Finally here are my top lists from 2007. I did not give a little explanation for each because I already have been working on this forever, and I need to move on with life, if you don;t understand why something is awesome on my lists you are an idiot and we should not be friends. IF you have a problem with anything I considered released in 2007, think it was a stupid spot for something or disagree with this, you can go fuck yourself…yep…do it. This is MY list, go ahead and judge me, but if you read this with an open mind, and check out a band or movie on any of my lists that you have not I guarantee you will like it. I look forward to seeing your lists and telling you why your favorite stuff is not good. Enjoy.
Top 25 Favorite Albums Released in 2007
25. Arsonists Get All the Girls – The game of Life (Century Media)
24. Poison The Well – Versios (Ferret)
23. Caliban – The awakening (Century Media)
22. Fear My Thoughts – Vulcans (Century Media)
21. Deadlock – Wolves (Lifeforce)
20. Led Zeppelin – Mothership (Atlantic)
19. Dark Tranquility – Fiction (Century Media)
18. The Funeral Pyre – The Nature of Betrayal (Prosthetic)
17. Kanye West – Graduation (Roc-A-Fella)
16. Counting Crows – August and everything after DELUXE EDITION (Geffen)
15. The Red Chord – Prey For Eyes (Metlablade)
14. Emmure - Goodbye to the Gallows (Victory)
13. Beneath the Massacre – Mechanics of Dysfunction (Prosthetic)
12. Machine Head – The Blackening (Roadrunner)
11. Despised Icon – The Ills of Modern man (Century Media)
TOP 10…..
10. Carnifex – Dead in My Arms (This City is Burning)
9. Bayside – The Walking Wounded (Victory)
8. Jay Z – American Gangster (Roc-A-Fella)
7. The Autumn Offering – Fear Will Cast No Shadow (Victory)
6. Ion Dissonance – Minus The Herd (Abacus)
5. Darkest Hour – Deliver Us (Victory)
4. As I Lay Dying – An Ocean Between Us (Meltablade)
3. Whitechapel – A Somatic Defilement (S.O.A.R.)
2. August Burns Red – messengers (Solid State)
1. Between The Buried And Me – Colors (Victory)
Top 10 Shows Attended in 2007
10. Bayside/Sleeping/A Day To Remember – Chicago, IL (November 29th)
9. Emmure/Sleep Serapis Sleep – Milwaukee, WI (November 23rd)
8. All That Remains/Misery Signals/The Human Abstract – Chicago, IL (February 16th)
7. The Faint – Chicago, IL (May 21st)
6. Misery Signals/The Agony Scene/Emmure – West Dundee, IL (October 14th)
5. As I Lay Dying/All That Remains- Chicago, IL (November 19th)
4. New England Metal & Hardcore Festival – Worcester, MA (April 27th-28th)
3. MetalBlade 25th Anniversary show- Chicago, IL (September 29th)
2. Warped Tour - Ventura, CA (June 30th)
1. Rage Against The Machine/Wu Tang/ Cypress Hill/ Mos Def/ Public Enemy – NYC, NY (August 24th)
10 of My Favorite DVD Movies/TV to DVD from 2007
10. Transformers
9. Knocked Up
8. Lord of War
7. Shooter
6. Blood Diamond
5. Alpha Dog
4. Metalocolypse
3. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 1&2)
2. Super Bad
1. The Departed
Things in 2007 That Made it Worth Living
House MD (tv)
At The Gates announcing reunion shows
Planet Earth (BBC series)
Mike Rowe (everything he does)
Rage Against The Machine
Law & Order: SVU (tv)C.S.I (Original…. Las Vegas, not that Miami bullshit) (tv)
Adult Swim (tv)
Justin Timberlake (music/movie/love)
Between The Buried and Me (music)
Cheddar CheeseFamily Guy (tv)
Packer FootballCobra Lounge (Bar)
Tuna Sub special at Subway
All That Remains (music)
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (tv)
How I Met Your Mother (tv)
Porn
Biggest Cluster Fucks/Let Downs of 2007
Smokin' Aces (movie)
A life Once Lost - Iron Gag (album)
TI – TI vs TIP (album)
Pig Destroyer – Phantom Limb (album)
The Contract (movie)
The entire year of "American Dad"
Smashing Pumpkins – Zeitgeist (album)
Ozzfest (festival)
Hot Fuzz (movie)
JOBFORACOWBOY (album)
Haste the Day's New Singer
Love
Bubb
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Vinny's Top 25 Albums of 2007
TOP 25 ALBUMS OF 2007
It’s already the end of 2007…wasn’t the world supposed to end seven years ago? And isn’t that a moot point anyway because the guy who established our current calendar system miscalculated Jesus’ birth by some number of years so our calendar is off anyway? Whatever, that’s not the point. Here are my top 25 albums of 2007. I’m a metal dude, but there are some non-metal ones in here as well. I hope you enjoy, and if you disagree with me, you’re wrong.
I’m counting down from 25, like a VH1 best of episode with out the shitty guest talent or commercials.
25. ANTIGAMA Resonance (Relapse)
Here’s another Relapse band that sounds like NO ONE else out there. It’s a fusion of industrial and grind like nothing I’ve heard before - and they’re out of Warsaw, Poland of all places. Resonance is one of the tightest sounding records of the year - I’d really like to see these guys live. I have no doubts that it’s like seeing Meshuggah; sure the record is awesome, but seeing it live is mind blowing.
http://www.myspace.com/antigama
24. SHIT OUTTA LUCK Family Tradition (Organized Crime)
This band is an audio bar fight. Five dudes playing a fusion of southern rock/metal and hardcore straight out of the beer capital of the US, Milwaukee, WI. There are a shit ton of lyrics that’ll stick in your head: “get outta my way frat boy!”, “I think that’s my drink son!”, “this ain’t my first rodeo son, I’ll beat my way outta this bar if I have to” - and that’s just in the final track on the cd, “Friday Night Fights”. To give you a good idea of the attitude of these guys - they’re like the metal version of David Allen Coe, the record even ends with a DAC quote. Turn this cd on when you’re drinking with friends and it’s sure to encourage drinking, rounds of shots, and fights. Good times.
http://www.myspace.com/milwaukeeslumcrew
23. THE OCEAN Precambrian (Metal Blade)
Shear brilliance. Two discs, songs named after different geologic periods, and enough instruments and musicians to fill a school bus. This band has flown under the radar in the US, mostly due to not having toured here quite yet. If you like your music spastic, cerebral, orchestral, artistic, melodic, and explosive - then check this out. (Think BTBAM sans the speed and irony)
http://www.myspace.com/theoceancollective
22. THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DEAD Malice (Prosthetic)
Sheer brutality. New vocalist Nate Johnson's vocals are ten tons of balls. The last record was good, this record is fucking fantastic. Through the Eyes has finally found their own sound. Listening to this cd is like listening to a 24 oz Porterhouse being shoved into your eye. It's THAT meaty. And the band brings it live - they crushed opening on the As I Lay Dying/All That Remains/Haste the Day tour this Fall.
http://www.myspace.com/tteotd
21. KING DIAMOND Give Me Your Soul…Please (Metal Blade)
I’ve never been a huge King Diamond fan…until I heard this cd. Sure the average metal kid of today might find his voice a little hard to swallow, or might even find some of the lyrics a little too obvious, but this guy is one of the reasons half the bands we listen to today are even around. The fact that he still can belt out metal vocals and write music in his 50s is phenomenal. Sure The Eagles, the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith and more are still around, but name one singer in any of those bands that is 1) actually good 2) can hit high notes like King. NO ONE.
http://www.myspace.com/kingdiamond
And King Diamond actually reads his myspace messages, what a guy, huh?
20. THE CHARIOT The Fiancée (Solid State)
The new record from the Chariot is one of the more cerebral records of the year. The packaging, lyrics, song titles, everything fits together. The music takes a little while to digest at times - but I like this. In a world of instant gratification and single song downloading, I like to see bands that put time and effort into creating an entire piece of art in a record. The song titles even read together as a sentence as you read them on the back over. Plus Josh Scogin is an incredibly entertaining live vocalist.
http://www.myspace.com/thechariot
19. ANIMOSITY Animal (Black Market Activities)
Animal is fast; one of the fastest albums of the year, both in speed and running time (11 songs clocking in at just under 30 min). These dudes know how to lay it down; the musicianship is far ahead of the curve compared to many of their peers. It’s not exactly hardcore, it’s not exactly death metal, it’s just a bad ass fusion of blast beats, groove, and some high flying guitar work.
http://www.myspace.com/animosity
18. MIDDIAN Age Eternal (Metal Blade)
Loud. Heavy. Doom. Mike Scheidt is the master of American doom, hands down. After the fall of YOB, Mike joined up with bassist Will Lindsay, and drummer Scott Headrick to form Middian. They’re everything that was great about YOB with some added upbeat tempos, tons of vocal variations, and guitar effects. The drumming is simply powerful; it’s tasteful. Songs like Dreamless Eye sound like the soundtrack to the post apocalypse. After listening to brees and breakdowns all day, Middian is a MUCH needed breath of fresh air.
http://www.myspace.com/middiandoom
17. RWAKE Voices of Omens (Relapse)
Relapse has a knack for finding bands like this. This is by far one of the most original sounding albums this year. The songs are long, but keep you interested with subtle hooks in the vocals and guitars. I can really only describe them as a doom/sludge metal band in the vain of YOB/Middian, with a hint of southern groove. This really hasn’t left my iTunes rotation since I picked it up back in February.
http://www.myspace.com/rwake
16. EVERGREEN TERRACE Wolfbiker (Metal Blade)
High energy, high impact, punk/rock/metal/hardcore. This cd has elements that’ll make kids mosh, circle pit, and sing along. This band has been around the block a few times and is credited with helping to create metalcore as a genre - even though they sound nothing like the metalcore bands out there today. They sound more like a punk band that got ran over by Pantera’s tour bus. If you’re having a slow morning, throw on Wolfbiker and you’ll get pumped up enough to fight a rhino, and win.
http://www.myspace.com/evergreenterrace
15. DARKEST HOUR Deliver Us (Victory)
These guys are pure fun. I saw them on the Strhess tour a while back in Milwaukee and they dedicated a song to PBR. Yes THE PBR. If you don’t know what PBR is, then go buy some. Delicious and thrify. Anyway, Darkest Hour slay, with tons of memorable riffs, great triplet fills in the drums/guitars, which allows the music to be fast as well as groovy and full of hooks. Plus the vocals don’t sound like anyone; when you hear Darkest Hour, you fucking know it’s Darkest Hour - which is a lot to ask in metal lately.
http://www.myspace.com/darkesthour
14. YEAR OF DESOLATION Year of Desolation (Prosthetic)
Holy shred Batman! Are you sick of the “scene”, sick of bands that just string breakdowns and gang vocals together for 3 minutes? Then check out Prosthetic’s Year of Desolation. These dudes do nothing but shred. It’s by far some of the best riffing and soloing I’ve heard on a cd in a LONG, LONG time. This cd was made for headbanging, mosh pits (sans the hardcore dancers), and plenty, I mean PLENTY of circle pits.
http://www.myspace.com/yearofdesolation
13. THE TONY DANZA TAP DANCE EXTRAVAGANZA Danza II: The Electric Boogaloo (Black Market Activities)
I’ve been a fan of these guys since their full length on Corrosive. With songs like Big Pun’s Not Dead I Just Saw Him at Krispy Kreme and Cliff Burton Surprise, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re in for something different. With Danza II, they went even FARTHER outside of the box and created a record that works almost like its own audio play or movie. The story revolves around a midget who goes to bar and just takes shit from everyone, before snapping and killing everyone with a chainsaw (which is one of the coolest sounding tracks on the cd). Listening to this band is pure fun - don’t over analyze it, just shut up and enjoy.
http://www.myspace.com/tonydanzatapdanceextravaganza
12. STRUNG OUT Blackhawks Over Los Angeles (Fat Wreck Chords)
My favorite thing about this band is that none of them have shitty hair. No hair over their cry eye, and no edge guys making everyone feel bad for being drunk. They’ve been around for what seems like forever and they still know how to make kick ass melodic, riff laden, punk rock. They bring it live.http://www.myspace.com/strungout
11. THE NETWORK This is Your Pig’s Portrait (Black Market Activities)
PISSED OFF. This band is incredibly pissed off, like good east coast hardcore should be. I’m not talking about Agnostic Front tough guy, I’m talking about spastic Converge style shit. When their new vocalist Mike joined the band, guitarist Pete asked him “what would you do if I hit you in the face on stage?” Mike replied, “I’d probably hit you back”. They haven’t looked back since. This band is the definition of DIY. Support this band, especially on the road.
http://www.myspace.com/thenetworkmetal
10. THE FUNERAL PYRE The Nature of Betrayal (Prosthetic)
Melodic black/euro rooted death metal at its finest. The atmospheric keys, fret melting guitar work, and punctuated, percussive vocals create an audio landscape that will actually leave you feeling slightly emotional. Check out Victims and you’ll hear what I’m talking about. I can’t wait to hear new stuff from this band…
http://www.myspace.com/thefuneralpyre
9. THE RED CHORD Prey for Eyes (Metal Blade)
“Where’s my fucking BBQ? I know you have it!” With lyrics like that, you know this cd is twisted. This is another release with art and packaging worth having - check out the story behind the lyrics and title in the sleeve. We should all know how ridiculous The Red Chord are, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you how bad ass the music is, just try me when I say it’s kick ass.
http://www.myspace.com/theredchord
8. BEHEMOTH The Apostasy (Century Media)
This band is the real deal. Like Hatebreed, they have a ridiculously strong work ethic and the BELIEVE in what they are doing. This is some of the darkest music you’ll hear all year. It’s black metal, but not BORINGLY black metal. There’s enough guitar work to keep even casual black metal fans interested and song titles that aren’t too over the top…unless you count Christgrinding Avenue…
http://www.myspace.com/behemoth
7. BAYSIDE The Walking Wounded (Victory)
This is another one of my non-metal guilty pleasures. Even though they aren’t metal, guitarist Jack O’Shea still shreds with solos that put some metal bands to shame. Anthony Raneri seriously writes some of the best lyrics I’ve EVER heard. They’re the most memorable, non cliché lyrics out there right now. And the vocals don’t sound like whiny emo garbage - they’re just right to sing along to. It’s good to see an honest, no bullshit rock band continue to do well. And none of them have overly shitty hair cuts (see: AFI).
http://www.myspace.com/bayside
6. LIZZY BORDEN Appointment with Death (Metal Blade)
I never thought I would listen to a Lizzy Borden record so much. I can’t say I know a lot of Lizzy’s back catalogue - but now I WANT to. Appointment isn’t just a throwback to 80s sounding metal, it sounds modern. Lizzy seems to actually be getting better with age. Unlike some of his 80s peers, his voice is much more melancholy; less high pitched and abrasive. A slew of guest musicians play on the album, including Cory from Trivium, Dave from Y&T and MUCH more. There’s something about this cd that makes me smile as I sing along. It’s fun! Remember when music was supposed to be fun?
http://www.myspace.com/lizzybordenband
5. BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME Colors (Victory)
The highly anticipated follow up to Alaska delivered much more than anyone expected. BTBAM pretty much touched on every genre of music that a metal band can touch on in one record - and more. This is one of those cds where you’ll pick up something new that you missed on the previous listen. The songs are lengthy, but they move around enough to keep you more than interested. The lyrics are incredibly well thought out and if you take the time to figure out what they’re about, it only adds to the listening experience.
http://www.myspace.com/betweentheburiedandmeband
4. THE HANDSHAKE MURDERS Usurper (Goodfellow)
These guys don’t fuck around. Their music is polyrhythmic, groovy, and technical. They’ll go from groovy Meshuggah-esque rhythms straight into technical speed riffs with out hesitation. Somehow it works - the songs flow with out sounding like a cut and paste mess of tech. Tasteful. Check it.
http://www.myspace.com/thehandshakemurders
3. AS I LAY DYING An Ocean Between Us (Metal Blade)
The mighty As I Lay Dying; one of the few true metal powerhouses out there today, surprised the hell out of me with their latest. This is their 4th true full length. It’s common to see metal bands soften up with age in an effort to widen their fan base. Many of them alienate their former fans and fall into obscurity or even break up (see: Eighteen Visions). As I Lay Dying did the complete opposite. They recorded the most brutal, and SOMEHOW, most melodic record of their careers. When As I Lay Dying released the first single, Within Destruction, from the cd on their myspace, people ACTUALLY commented “omg where are the breakdowns?!??!” People are seriously that retarded. Well with An Ocean Between Us, As I Lay Dying didn’t reinvent the wheel, but they augmented their previous sound with more elements of thrash and much more high flying guitar work. And it WORKS.
I have another gripe with people who call As I Lay Dying a Christian band. None of their lyrics reference Christianity…so what makes them a “Christian” band? If a plumber came to your house and said he was Christian, would you call him a “Christian” plumber? No! As I Lay Dying is a metal band, so shut the hell up.
http://www.myspace.com/asilaydying
2. THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER Nocturnal (Metal Blade)
Critics have been saying this record is way better than the last album, which I don’t understand, because Miasma killer…maybe people didn’t want lyrics to stray away from horror themes? And anyone that calls Black Dahlia “core” should be shoveled into the furnace of a steam engine at full speed. The Black Dahlia Murder know what the fuck they’re doing - especially with new members in Bart (bass) and Shannon Lucas (drums). With a solid lineup, this band can do some damage. And Shannon Lucas can drum! Watching this guy play is not even fair.
http://www.myspace.com/blackdahliamurder
1. 3 The End is Begun (Metal Blade)
If you don’t know anything about 3, it’s time get to get your off your ass and catch up. Before you start throwing around comparisons to Coheed & Cambria, know that 3’s been around longer and Coheed used to open up for them. 3 are loosely called a progressive rock band. I say loosely because generally when you think progressive rock, you think of bands that play for themselves with less regard to writing catchy songs. 3 write songs that are musically intimidating, yet catchy enough for those who don’t know anything about music to enjoy. Joey Eppard’s voice gets compared to Claudio’s from Coheed, but is much more smooth and palatable. It doesn’t matter what crowd 3 plays in front of, they leave them speechless. They slayed at New England Hardcore & Metal Fest, they slayed on the road with Porcupine Tree, and they’ll slay next year on the Progressive Nation Tour with Dream Theatre, Opeth & Between the Buried and Me.
http://www.myspace.com/3
I liked a lot of records this year, so here are my honorable mentions:
Benea Reach - Monument Bineothan
Beneath the Massacre - Mechanics of Dysfuncion
Beyond the Sixth Seal - the Resurrection of Everything Tough
Cephalic Carnage - Xenosapien
Clutch - From Beale St. to Oblivion
Dark Tranquillity - Fiction
Dimmu Borgir - In Sorte Diaboli
Job for a Cowboy - Genesis
Primordial - To the Nameless Dead
Vital Remains - Icons of Evil
It’s already the end of 2007…wasn’t the world supposed to end seven years ago? And isn’t that a moot point anyway because the guy who established our current calendar system miscalculated Jesus’ birth by some number of years so our calendar is off anyway? Whatever, that’s not the point. Here are my top 25 albums of 2007. I’m a metal dude, but there are some non-metal ones in here as well. I hope you enjoy, and if you disagree with me, you’re wrong.
I’m counting down from 25, like a VH1 best of episode with out the shitty guest talent or commercials.
25. ANTIGAMA Resonance (Relapse)
Here’s another Relapse band that sounds like NO ONE else out there. It’s a fusion of industrial and grind like nothing I’ve heard before - and they’re out of Warsaw, Poland of all places. Resonance is one of the tightest sounding records of the year - I’d really like to see these guys live. I have no doubts that it’s like seeing Meshuggah; sure the record is awesome, but seeing it live is mind blowing.
http://www.myspace.com/antigama
24. SHIT OUTTA LUCK Family Tradition (Organized Crime)
This band is an audio bar fight. Five dudes playing a fusion of southern rock/metal and hardcore straight out of the beer capital of the US, Milwaukee, WI. There are a shit ton of lyrics that’ll stick in your head: “get outta my way frat boy!”, “I think that’s my drink son!”, “this ain’t my first rodeo son, I’ll beat my way outta this bar if I have to” - and that’s just in the final track on the cd, “Friday Night Fights”. To give you a good idea of the attitude of these guys - they’re like the metal version of David Allen Coe, the record even ends with a DAC quote. Turn this cd on when you’re drinking with friends and it’s sure to encourage drinking, rounds of shots, and fights. Good times.
http://www.myspace.com/milwaukeeslumcrew
23. THE OCEAN Precambrian (Metal Blade)
Shear brilliance. Two discs, songs named after different geologic periods, and enough instruments and musicians to fill a school bus. This band has flown under the radar in the US, mostly due to not having toured here quite yet. If you like your music spastic, cerebral, orchestral, artistic, melodic, and explosive - then check this out. (Think BTBAM sans the speed and irony)
http://www.myspace.com/theoceancollective
22. THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DEAD Malice (Prosthetic)
Sheer brutality. New vocalist Nate Johnson's vocals are ten tons of balls. The last record was good, this record is fucking fantastic. Through the Eyes has finally found their own sound. Listening to this cd is like listening to a 24 oz Porterhouse being shoved into your eye. It's THAT meaty. And the band brings it live - they crushed opening on the As I Lay Dying/All That Remains/Haste the Day tour this Fall.
http://www.myspace.com/tteotd
21. KING DIAMOND Give Me Your Soul…Please (Metal Blade)
I’ve never been a huge King Diamond fan…until I heard this cd. Sure the average metal kid of today might find his voice a little hard to swallow, or might even find some of the lyrics a little too obvious, but this guy is one of the reasons half the bands we listen to today are even around. The fact that he still can belt out metal vocals and write music in his 50s is phenomenal. Sure The Eagles, the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith and more are still around, but name one singer in any of those bands that is 1) actually good 2) can hit high notes like King. NO ONE.
http://www.myspace.com/kingdiamond
And King Diamond actually reads his myspace messages, what a guy, huh?
20. THE CHARIOT The Fiancée (Solid State)
The new record from the Chariot is one of the more cerebral records of the year. The packaging, lyrics, song titles, everything fits together. The music takes a little while to digest at times - but I like this. In a world of instant gratification and single song downloading, I like to see bands that put time and effort into creating an entire piece of art in a record. The song titles even read together as a sentence as you read them on the back over. Plus Josh Scogin is an incredibly entertaining live vocalist.
http://www.myspace.com/thechariot
19. ANIMOSITY Animal (Black Market Activities)
Animal is fast; one of the fastest albums of the year, both in speed and running time (11 songs clocking in at just under 30 min). These dudes know how to lay it down; the musicianship is far ahead of the curve compared to many of their peers. It’s not exactly hardcore, it’s not exactly death metal, it’s just a bad ass fusion of blast beats, groove, and some high flying guitar work.
http://www.myspace.com/animosity
18. MIDDIAN Age Eternal (Metal Blade)
Loud. Heavy. Doom. Mike Scheidt is the master of American doom, hands down. After the fall of YOB, Mike joined up with bassist Will Lindsay, and drummer Scott Headrick to form Middian. They’re everything that was great about YOB with some added upbeat tempos, tons of vocal variations, and guitar effects. The drumming is simply powerful; it’s tasteful. Songs like Dreamless Eye sound like the soundtrack to the post apocalypse. After listening to brees and breakdowns all day, Middian is a MUCH needed breath of fresh air.
http://www.myspace.com/middiandoom
17. RWAKE Voices of Omens (Relapse)
Relapse has a knack for finding bands like this. This is by far one of the most original sounding albums this year. The songs are long, but keep you interested with subtle hooks in the vocals and guitars. I can really only describe them as a doom/sludge metal band in the vain of YOB/Middian, with a hint of southern groove. This really hasn’t left my iTunes rotation since I picked it up back in February.
http://www.myspace.com/rwake
16. EVERGREEN TERRACE Wolfbiker (Metal Blade)
High energy, high impact, punk/rock/metal/hardcore. This cd has elements that’ll make kids mosh, circle pit, and sing along. This band has been around the block a few times and is credited with helping to create metalcore as a genre - even though they sound nothing like the metalcore bands out there today. They sound more like a punk band that got ran over by Pantera’s tour bus. If you’re having a slow morning, throw on Wolfbiker and you’ll get pumped up enough to fight a rhino, and win.
http://www.myspace.com/evergreenterrace
15. DARKEST HOUR Deliver Us (Victory)
These guys are pure fun. I saw them on the Strhess tour a while back in Milwaukee and they dedicated a song to PBR. Yes THE PBR. If you don’t know what PBR is, then go buy some. Delicious and thrify. Anyway, Darkest Hour slay, with tons of memorable riffs, great triplet fills in the drums/guitars, which allows the music to be fast as well as groovy and full of hooks. Plus the vocals don’t sound like anyone; when you hear Darkest Hour, you fucking know it’s Darkest Hour - which is a lot to ask in metal lately.
http://www.myspace.com/darkesthour
14. YEAR OF DESOLATION Year of Desolation (Prosthetic)
Holy shred Batman! Are you sick of the “scene”, sick of bands that just string breakdowns and gang vocals together for 3 minutes? Then check out Prosthetic’s Year of Desolation. These dudes do nothing but shred. It’s by far some of the best riffing and soloing I’ve heard on a cd in a LONG, LONG time. This cd was made for headbanging, mosh pits (sans the hardcore dancers), and plenty, I mean PLENTY of circle pits.
http://www.myspace.com/yearofdesolation
13. THE TONY DANZA TAP DANCE EXTRAVAGANZA Danza II: The Electric Boogaloo (Black Market Activities)
I’ve been a fan of these guys since their full length on Corrosive. With songs like Big Pun’s Not Dead I Just Saw Him at Krispy Kreme and Cliff Burton Surprise, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re in for something different. With Danza II, they went even FARTHER outside of the box and created a record that works almost like its own audio play or movie. The story revolves around a midget who goes to bar and just takes shit from everyone, before snapping and killing everyone with a chainsaw (which is one of the coolest sounding tracks on the cd). Listening to this band is pure fun - don’t over analyze it, just shut up and enjoy.
http://www.myspace.com/tonydanzatapdanceextravaganza
12. STRUNG OUT Blackhawks Over Los Angeles (Fat Wreck Chords)
My favorite thing about this band is that none of them have shitty hair. No hair over their cry eye, and no edge guys making everyone feel bad for being drunk. They’ve been around for what seems like forever and they still know how to make kick ass melodic, riff laden, punk rock. They bring it live.http://www.myspace.com/strungout
11. THE NETWORK This is Your Pig’s Portrait (Black Market Activities)
PISSED OFF. This band is incredibly pissed off, like good east coast hardcore should be. I’m not talking about Agnostic Front tough guy, I’m talking about spastic Converge style shit. When their new vocalist Mike joined the band, guitarist Pete asked him “what would you do if I hit you in the face on stage?” Mike replied, “I’d probably hit you back”. They haven’t looked back since. This band is the definition of DIY. Support this band, especially on the road.
http://www.myspace.com/thenetworkmetal
10. THE FUNERAL PYRE The Nature of Betrayal (Prosthetic)
Melodic black/euro rooted death metal at its finest. The atmospheric keys, fret melting guitar work, and punctuated, percussive vocals create an audio landscape that will actually leave you feeling slightly emotional. Check out Victims and you’ll hear what I’m talking about. I can’t wait to hear new stuff from this band…
http://www.myspace.com/thefuneralpyre
9. THE RED CHORD Prey for Eyes (Metal Blade)
“Where’s my fucking BBQ? I know you have it!” With lyrics like that, you know this cd is twisted. This is another release with art and packaging worth having - check out the story behind the lyrics and title in the sleeve. We should all know how ridiculous The Red Chord are, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you how bad ass the music is, just try me when I say it’s kick ass.
http://www.myspace.com/theredchord
8. BEHEMOTH The Apostasy (Century Media)
This band is the real deal. Like Hatebreed, they have a ridiculously strong work ethic and the BELIEVE in what they are doing. This is some of the darkest music you’ll hear all year. It’s black metal, but not BORINGLY black metal. There’s enough guitar work to keep even casual black metal fans interested and song titles that aren’t too over the top…unless you count Christgrinding Avenue…
http://www.myspace.com/behemoth
7. BAYSIDE The Walking Wounded (Victory)
This is another one of my non-metal guilty pleasures. Even though they aren’t metal, guitarist Jack O’Shea still shreds with solos that put some metal bands to shame. Anthony Raneri seriously writes some of the best lyrics I’ve EVER heard. They’re the most memorable, non cliché lyrics out there right now. And the vocals don’t sound like whiny emo garbage - they’re just right to sing along to. It’s good to see an honest, no bullshit rock band continue to do well. And none of them have overly shitty hair cuts (see: AFI).
http://www.myspace.com/bayside
6. LIZZY BORDEN Appointment with Death (Metal Blade)
I never thought I would listen to a Lizzy Borden record so much. I can’t say I know a lot of Lizzy’s back catalogue - but now I WANT to. Appointment isn’t just a throwback to 80s sounding metal, it sounds modern. Lizzy seems to actually be getting better with age. Unlike some of his 80s peers, his voice is much more melancholy; less high pitched and abrasive. A slew of guest musicians play on the album, including Cory from Trivium, Dave from Y&T and MUCH more. There’s something about this cd that makes me smile as I sing along. It’s fun! Remember when music was supposed to be fun?
http://www.myspace.com/lizzybordenband
5. BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME Colors (Victory)
The highly anticipated follow up to Alaska delivered much more than anyone expected. BTBAM pretty much touched on every genre of music that a metal band can touch on in one record - and more. This is one of those cds where you’ll pick up something new that you missed on the previous listen. The songs are lengthy, but they move around enough to keep you more than interested. The lyrics are incredibly well thought out and if you take the time to figure out what they’re about, it only adds to the listening experience.
http://www.myspace.com/betweentheburiedandmeband
4. THE HANDSHAKE MURDERS Usurper (Goodfellow)
These guys don’t fuck around. Their music is polyrhythmic, groovy, and technical. They’ll go from groovy Meshuggah-esque rhythms straight into technical speed riffs with out hesitation. Somehow it works - the songs flow with out sounding like a cut and paste mess of tech. Tasteful. Check it.
http://www.myspace.com/thehandshakemurders
3. AS I LAY DYING An Ocean Between Us (Metal Blade)
The mighty As I Lay Dying; one of the few true metal powerhouses out there today, surprised the hell out of me with their latest. This is their 4th true full length. It’s common to see metal bands soften up with age in an effort to widen their fan base. Many of them alienate their former fans and fall into obscurity or even break up (see: Eighteen Visions). As I Lay Dying did the complete opposite. They recorded the most brutal, and SOMEHOW, most melodic record of their careers. When As I Lay Dying released the first single, Within Destruction, from the cd on their myspace, people ACTUALLY commented “omg where are the breakdowns?!??!” People are seriously that retarded. Well with An Ocean Between Us, As I Lay Dying didn’t reinvent the wheel, but they augmented their previous sound with more elements of thrash and much more high flying guitar work. And it WORKS.
I have another gripe with people who call As I Lay Dying a Christian band. None of their lyrics reference Christianity…so what makes them a “Christian” band? If a plumber came to your house and said he was Christian, would you call him a “Christian” plumber? No! As I Lay Dying is a metal band, so shut the hell up.
http://www.myspace.com/asilaydying
2. THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER Nocturnal (Metal Blade)
Critics have been saying this record is way better than the last album, which I don’t understand, because Miasma killer…maybe people didn’t want lyrics to stray away from horror themes? And anyone that calls Black Dahlia “core” should be shoveled into the furnace of a steam engine at full speed. The Black Dahlia Murder know what the fuck they’re doing - especially with new members in Bart (bass) and Shannon Lucas (drums). With a solid lineup, this band can do some damage. And Shannon Lucas can drum! Watching this guy play is not even fair.
http://www.myspace.com/blackdahliamurder
1. 3 The End is Begun (Metal Blade)
If you don’t know anything about 3, it’s time get to get your off your ass and catch up. Before you start throwing around comparisons to Coheed & Cambria, know that 3’s been around longer and Coheed used to open up for them. 3 are loosely called a progressive rock band. I say loosely because generally when you think progressive rock, you think of bands that play for themselves with less regard to writing catchy songs. 3 write songs that are musically intimidating, yet catchy enough for those who don’t know anything about music to enjoy. Joey Eppard’s voice gets compared to Claudio’s from Coheed, but is much more smooth and palatable. It doesn’t matter what crowd 3 plays in front of, they leave them speechless. They slayed at New England Hardcore & Metal Fest, they slayed on the road with Porcupine Tree, and they’ll slay next year on the Progressive Nation Tour with Dream Theatre, Opeth & Between the Buried and Me.
http://www.myspace.com/3
I liked a lot of records this year, so here are my honorable mentions:
Benea Reach - Monument Bineothan
Beneath the Massacre - Mechanics of Dysfuncion
Beyond the Sixth Seal - the Resurrection of Everything Tough
Cephalic Carnage - Xenosapien
Clutch - From Beale St. to Oblivion
Dark Tranquillity - Fiction
Dimmu Borgir - In Sorte Diaboli
Job for a Cowboy - Genesis
Primordial - To the Nameless Dead
Vital Remains - Icons of Evil
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Craig's List
Yeah, I am a dude, I like woman...a lot. Most of the time I am thinking "that chick is hot" "she is not hot" "I want to listen to Slayer" or "man am i fucked up". I like bars, and shows, and any other place I can find attractive people. But Craig's List...read this shit. If I think there is any chance my penis is ending up on the floor, I see no no possible reason to hook up with chicks from here:
post:
Casual encounters -
I need someone to write a 5 page paper on the pros and cons of global outsourcing so that I can paint my nails instead. Also, you could help me with another homework assignment if you'd be willing to let me take pictures of you shirtless, blindfolded, and smoking a cigarette with dotted lines indicating where to cut to remove your vital organs. P.S. I am hot. Thanks!
FUCK...come on, I don't thinks so....
and what about this one...
Hey I am Mandy. I am 25. I've heard great things about these personals & figured it couldn't hurt to put one of these things up just to find out what's out there. My hair is brown, I am 5'4 tall. I have nice 36 C breasts. If you contact me bear in mind that I'm not looking for a soul mate just friends and fuck buddies. If your interested contact me and I will respond with pictures of myself. I just did not feel comfortable posting them on here.
Let me translate that to regular people...hi, my name is Mandy, i have herpies, i love to get drunk and fuck a different dude every day. I love BJ's, HJ's, and ZJ's. Please shit in my mouth...
come on people, the internet is great, but put in some fucking effort.
...and if you are a hot single woman looking to hook up, i am 24, love music, and am very caring in bed...eamil me with pics.
Bubb
post:
Casual encounters -
I need someone to write a 5 page paper on the pros and cons of global outsourcing so that I can paint my nails instead. Also, you could help me with another homework assignment if you'd be willing to let me take pictures of you shirtless, blindfolded, and smoking a cigarette with dotted lines indicating where to cut to remove your vital organs. P.S. I am hot. Thanks!
FUCK...come on, I don't thinks so....
and what about this one...
Hey I am Mandy. I am 25. I've heard great things about these personals & figured it couldn't hurt to put one of these things up just to find out what's out there. My hair is brown, I am 5'4 tall. I have nice 36 C breasts. If you contact me bear in mind that I'm not looking for a soul mate just friends and fuck buddies. If your interested contact me and I will respond with pictures of myself. I just did not feel comfortable posting them on here.
Let me translate that to regular people...hi, my name is Mandy, i have herpies, i love to get drunk and fuck a different dude every day. I love BJ's, HJ's, and ZJ's. Please shit in my mouth...
come on people, the internet is great, but put in some fucking effort.
...and if you are a hot single woman looking to hook up, i am 24, love music, and am very caring in bed...eamil me with pics.
Bubb
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sprint F-, Orbitz D
Orbitz
Earlier this year, I booked a flight to Dallas from Milwaukee. Cheap flight, about $180, I was stoked. Then all of a sudden I got a job out in California and had to change the departure to leave from LAX. NEVER do this. It'll cost you at least $100 PLUS the price of the new ticket...it credits the price of the last ticket towards the new one...but still, didn't help much.
When I made the second transaction, I had to switch which card to use. The first card I used was an account I had closed, which was a debit card for the bank account I had in WI. I switched the info to a credit card then made the purchase. The on-line receipt for the purchase STILL HAD THE OLD CARD INFO. So I freaked out and called Orbitz because that account was closed. The woman at Orbitz assured me that it DID in fact charge the purchase to the new card, the site just did not update for some reason. Whew, that was close.
That was May '07.
Fast forward to November '07.
I got a call from Orbitz asking me what my dispute with the purchase was and that I had been credited around $250. First of all, I was not credited any money, I sure as hell would've noticed an extra $250 fucking dollars. Second of all, I never disputed anything. The guy at least was super cool about everything and gave me a direct number to reach him specifically, unlike most sterile corporate customer service centers where you get a different foreigner every time.
After some research through old statements and getting my old bank to e-mail me statements, which were hard to find seeing as the account had been closed for 8 months, I found out that Orbitz tried to charge that account even though they said they wouldn't. Interesting...
The bank actually disputed the charge so they could get their money bank...I guess the money was automatically withdrawn from somewhere? Hell if I know...
I looked through the bank statements and my credit cards statements and SHIT, I could NOT find the second transaction charge. I guess I didn't pay it...lame. I sent all the statements to Orbitz to prove that I didn't get credited $250 HOPING that they wouldn't notice that I never made a payment on the second transaction. The customer service guy noticed this...damnit.
Still he was cool about it, UNTIL I got an e-mail saying that an additional $75 was being charged by American Airlines for the dispute. Wait a minute. I didn't dispute anything, assholes!
Well this morning I had my final conversation with Orbitz, I won't have to pay that $75 (I didn't fuck up, Orbitz did), but I did pay the $250. And the guy even apologized for the Packers losing. So that gives Orbitz a grade of about a D. They were cool about everything and easy to talk to, which probably was because I didn't avoid their calls or e-mails.
Still this should NEVER have been an issue.
Sprint
SPRINT FUCKING SUCKS. END OF STORY.
I text a lot. I work a lot in loud environments where I can't hear anything. Mostly loud damn music. When I got my last bill, I had $20 in text overages, so I changed my plan on-line (which generally is instantaneous) to the unlimited texting plan. I did this at the end of October/beginning of November.
Well I got my bill today. $49.80 in texting overages. I called Sprint IMMEDIATELY. Who answers the phone? FUCKING SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. Strike one.
She asked me all the basic info to verify who I was. Then asked me for my six digit pin. Six digit pin, oh yeah I think I made one of those once...I can't remember. She put my hold. Awesome. Great. Best way to start a weekend, ever. Finally she came back and asked me my security question. I answered. Then she asked me to spell it out. It took me no less than 5 minutes to spell out my secret answer to her. She could NOT understand the letters I was saying, AT ALL. I usually try to be nice to customer service reps, but by then, I was fucking frustrated.
FINALLY we got to my issue at hand; the $138 phone bill. I explained the situation and she said that the unlimited plan was added to my account November 23rd. What? That's not when I added it. Not at all. She said there was nothing she could do about the charge. Strike two, YOU ARE A LIAR.
I INSISTED on talking to a supervisor; it took me 4 or 5 tries to get me to get her to go get a supervisor. She put me on hold. Fuck. Ten minutes later she came back and said the supervisor was on the other line. Her mistake - Giving me time to plan my next argument. I explained to her my work situation and why and when I made the changes and that changing the plan on-line is generally instantaneous. She said that I should have called to verify. I asked then why the hell is the on-line service offered if I'd have to call to verify the changes anyway? Her response? "Sometimes computers are not so perfect." What, like your comprehension of the english language? I laughed and literally said, "that's your answer? What I'm going to do now is go ahead and wait for the supervisor." On hold for the third time...
This hold only lasted for about 5 minutes. She came back and said the supervisor was still on with another customer. So I guess Sprint customer service only has one supervisor...hmmm. My persistance paid off (somewhat). She said she would APPLY for me to get a $20 credit on my next bill. She couldn't guarantee that it would even happen, but this is still STRIKE THREE. SEE, I said she was fucking lying about not being able to do anything. How can a customer service representative not provide customer service?
So I owe sprint $130 something and paid Orbitz $250. What a day. Rent is next. And you know what? I still can't buy booze, my CA license has yet to come in the mail...
FUCK CALIFORNIA
Earlier this year, I booked a flight to Dallas from Milwaukee. Cheap flight, about $180, I was stoked. Then all of a sudden I got a job out in California and had to change the departure to leave from LAX. NEVER do this. It'll cost you at least $100 PLUS the price of the new ticket...it credits the price of the last ticket towards the new one...but still, didn't help much.
When I made the second transaction, I had to switch which card to use. The first card I used was an account I had closed, which was a debit card for the bank account I had in WI. I switched the info to a credit card then made the purchase. The on-line receipt for the purchase STILL HAD THE OLD CARD INFO. So I freaked out and called Orbitz because that account was closed. The woman at Orbitz assured me that it DID in fact charge the purchase to the new card, the site just did not update for some reason. Whew, that was close.
That was May '07.
Fast forward to November '07.
I got a call from Orbitz asking me what my dispute with the purchase was and that I had been credited around $250. First of all, I was not credited any money, I sure as hell would've noticed an extra $250 fucking dollars. Second of all, I never disputed anything. The guy at least was super cool about everything and gave me a direct number to reach him specifically, unlike most sterile corporate customer service centers where you get a different foreigner every time.
After some research through old statements and getting my old bank to e-mail me statements, which were hard to find seeing as the account had been closed for 8 months, I found out that Orbitz tried to charge that account even though they said they wouldn't. Interesting...
The bank actually disputed the charge so they could get their money bank...I guess the money was automatically withdrawn from somewhere? Hell if I know...
I looked through the bank statements and my credit cards statements and SHIT, I could NOT find the second transaction charge. I guess I didn't pay it...lame. I sent all the statements to Orbitz to prove that I didn't get credited $250 HOPING that they wouldn't notice that I never made a payment on the second transaction. The customer service guy noticed this...damnit.
Still he was cool about it, UNTIL I got an e-mail saying that an additional $75 was being charged by American Airlines for the dispute. Wait a minute. I didn't dispute anything, assholes!
Well this morning I had my final conversation with Orbitz, I won't have to pay that $75 (I didn't fuck up, Orbitz did), but I did pay the $250. And the guy even apologized for the Packers losing. So that gives Orbitz a grade of about a D. They were cool about everything and easy to talk to, which probably was because I didn't avoid their calls or e-mails.
Still this should NEVER have been an issue.
Sprint
SPRINT FUCKING SUCKS. END OF STORY.
I text a lot. I work a lot in loud environments where I can't hear anything. Mostly loud damn music. When I got my last bill, I had $20 in text overages, so I changed my plan on-line (which generally is instantaneous) to the unlimited texting plan. I did this at the end of October/beginning of November.
Well I got my bill today. $49.80 in texting overages. I called Sprint IMMEDIATELY. Who answers the phone? FUCKING SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. Strike one.
She asked me all the basic info to verify who I was. Then asked me for my six digit pin. Six digit pin, oh yeah I think I made one of those once...I can't remember. She put my hold. Awesome. Great. Best way to start a weekend, ever. Finally she came back and asked me my security question. I answered. Then she asked me to spell it out. It took me no less than 5 minutes to spell out my secret answer to her. She could NOT understand the letters I was saying, AT ALL. I usually try to be nice to customer service reps, but by then, I was fucking frustrated.
FINALLY we got to my issue at hand; the $138 phone bill. I explained the situation and she said that the unlimited plan was added to my account November 23rd. What? That's not when I added it. Not at all. She said there was nothing she could do about the charge. Strike two, YOU ARE A LIAR.
I INSISTED on talking to a supervisor; it took me 4 or 5 tries to get me to get her to go get a supervisor. She put me on hold. Fuck. Ten minutes later she came back and said the supervisor was on the other line. Her mistake - Giving me time to plan my next argument. I explained to her my work situation and why and when I made the changes and that changing the plan on-line is generally instantaneous. She said that I should have called to verify. I asked then why the hell is the on-line service offered if I'd have to call to verify the changes anyway? Her response? "Sometimes computers are not so perfect." What, like your comprehension of the english language? I laughed and literally said, "that's your answer? What I'm going to do now is go ahead and wait for the supervisor." On hold for the third time...
This hold only lasted for about 5 minutes. She came back and said the supervisor was still on with another customer. So I guess Sprint customer service only has one supervisor...hmmm. My persistance paid off (somewhat). She said she would APPLY for me to get a $20 credit on my next bill. She couldn't guarantee that it would even happen, but this is still STRIKE THREE. SEE, I said she was fucking lying about not being able to do anything. How can a customer service representative not provide customer service?
So I owe sprint $130 something and paid Orbitz $250. What a day. Rent is next. And you know what? I still can't buy booze, my CA license has yet to come in the mail...
FUCK CALIFORNIA
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Things from my neighborhood.....
As some of you might know i currently live in Chicago. The Logan Square neighborhood specifically. Well, after being here for about 8 months i have seen several amazing things. Thus, i begin:
A girl got hit by a garbage truck right by my house since she was talking on a cell phone while riding a bike. she died. Who the hell talks on a cell phone while riding a bike. AND how hard is it to miss a garbage truck. its fucking huge! The funniest part is that the shrine that was set up in the median was also ran over a few days later and flattened.....funny.
The other day i also had the pleasure of seeing a truck with, count them......ten exhaust tips. Yes, folks, there were ten. not 4, not 6, but 10. Mind you this was on a rusty mid-80s pickup. if it had been a mid-90s camaro, then maybe.... The best part was that only six were actually hooked to exhaust pipes, the other four were WELDED TO THE BUMPER. I dont care how ghetto your ass is, you have to realize thats retarded.
Im not even going to mention how many virgin mary's ive seen on cars.......
I think the best was the transexican. This was the first month i lived in my apartment. i was coming home and i saw someone walking on the sidewalk in front of my building. picture this average sized person, brown shirt and skirt, pink fishnets, and a full beard.... i literally almost had an accident because i was gaping like a slack jawed yokel. I later mentioned what i saw to one of the other guys in my building and he informed me that i had indeed seen the transexican. i was straight before, but seeing that made me uber-straight. i went home and ate raw beef while hanging sheetrock just to compensate.
this is just some of the shit that happens to me in the city. fuck you.
Porch -
A girl got hit by a garbage truck right by my house since she was talking on a cell phone while riding a bike. she died. Who the hell talks on a cell phone while riding a bike. AND how hard is it to miss a garbage truck. its fucking huge! The funniest part is that the shrine that was set up in the median was also ran over a few days later and flattened.....funny.
The other day i also had the pleasure of seeing a truck with, count them......ten exhaust tips. Yes, folks, there were ten. not 4, not 6, but 10. Mind you this was on a rusty mid-80s pickup. if it had been a mid-90s camaro, then maybe.... The best part was that only six were actually hooked to exhaust pipes, the other four were WELDED TO THE BUMPER. I dont care how ghetto your ass is, you have to realize thats retarded.
Im not even going to mention how many virgin mary's ive seen on cars.......
I think the best was the transexican. This was the first month i lived in my apartment. i was coming home and i saw someone walking on the sidewalk in front of my building. picture this average sized person, brown shirt and skirt, pink fishnets, and a full beard.... i literally almost had an accident because i was gaping like a slack jawed yokel. I later mentioned what i saw to one of the other guys in my building and he informed me that i had indeed seen the transexican. i was straight before, but seeing that made me uber-straight. i went home and ate raw beef while hanging sheetrock just to compensate.
this is just some of the shit that happens to me in the city. fuck you.
Porch -
Limp Bizkit Ruined "Faith" For Me..
This has been pissing me off for more years than I care to remember: bands or musical artists that remake a song and call it there own. Or at least make no mention of the previous composers' name and hope that no one notices that their no talent ass couldn't put three power chords and some sappy lyrics together. How god damned difficult is it to write a fucking song that you have to steal someone else's? Here's a brief list of travesties perpetrated by no talent ass clowns:
1. The gold medal...Madonna redoing "American Pie" by Don McClean. This might be the biggest load of shit that ever came out of a woman's asshole...well at least until 2 girls one cup. American Pie may be the single greatest song in history and that whore unzipped her pants, squatted, and bent a fresh biscuit over the airwaves. And what's worse, when it came out, I kept hearing people talk about how great the new Madonna song was. Hey England, you can keep her. We'll gladly trade her for Posh Spice and her fine ass.
2. "I want you to want me," originally done by Cheap Trick and now...Lindsay Lohan. I refer you to the earlier comment..."how god damned difficult is it to write a song?" This is the simplest song since "mary had a little lamb." And once again, this talentless rusty tromboner comes along and steals it.
3. "Do ya think I'm sexy", originally done by Rod Stewart and redone by...wow...Paris Hilton. Don't even get me started on this waste of boobs.
4. "Satisfaction", originally done by the rolling stones, redone by the 2006 Hazzard County Fair hog queen, Britney Spears. Haven't you done enough Britney? I mean come on. Keith Richards heard this and fell out of a coconut tree, he was so distraught.
5. "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath," originally done...if I have to tell you, fuck off. This title track was redone by quite possibly one of the worst bands ever...The cardigans. Remember? Pixie type blonde from somewhere in Europe. Anyways, I saw them open up for The Bosstones. They had the fucking nerve to end their set with this song. Are you fucking serious? I've never seen so many dudes throw away beer. Bottles came from everywhere! Listen, how retarded are you that you'd play a cover from the sickest band ever in front of a crowd like this? Leave Sabbath alone unless you've done a line of blow off a hobo's ass.
Feel free to add some of your own
BY: J McGraw
1. The gold medal...Madonna redoing "American Pie" by Don McClean. This might be the biggest load of shit that ever came out of a woman's asshole...well at least until 2 girls one cup. American Pie may be the single greatest song in history and that whore unzipped her pants, squatted, and bent a fresh biscuit over the airwaves. And what's worse, when it came out, I kept hearing people talk about how great the new Madonna song was. Hey England, you can keep her. We'll gladly trade her for Posh Spice and her fine ass.
2. "I want you to want me," originally done by Cheap Trick and now...Lindsay Lohan. I refer you to the earlier comment..."how god damned difficult is it to write a song?" This is the simplest song since "mary had a little lamb." And once again, this talentless rusty tromboner comes along and steals it.
3. "Do ya think I'm sexy", originally done by Rod Stewart and redone by...wow...Paris Hilton. Don't even get me started on this waste of boobs.
4. "Satisfaction", originally done by the rolling stones, redone by the 2006 Hazzard County Fair hog queen, Britney Spears. Haven't you done enough Britney? I mean come on. Keith Richards heard this and fell out of a coconut tree, he was so distraught.
5. "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath," originally done...if I have to tell you, fuck off. This title track was redone by quite possibly one of the worst bands ever...The cardigans. Remember? Pixie type blonde from somewhere in Europe. Anyways, I saw them open up for The Bosstones. They had the fucking nerve to end their set with this song. Are you fucking serious? I've never seen so many dudes throw away beer. Bottles came from everywhere! Listen, how retarded are you that you'd play a cover from the sickest band ever in front of a crowd like this? Leave Sabbath alone unless you've done a line of blow off a hobo's ass.
Feel free to add some of your own
BY: J McGraw
Monday, November 26, 2007
Budgeting 101
So now that I'm an adult and I'm learning how to "budget" my money, grocery shopping is something that has become a big part of my life. I do not enjoy grocery shopping at all, actually I hate it! Let me tell you why! Last week I bought knock off cereal, yes the cheap shit. I bought the cheap shit because it was like 3 dollars cheaper then my favorite stuff. When your an adult you are supposed to realize these things (saving money and cutting corners is a good thing). Well I love cereal and every time I eat a bowl of Cookie Crisp as an adult, it takes me back to when I was little kid and cereal was like the best thing about getting up in the morning. So as I stand at the check out line and the lady scans my newly purchased box of "chocolate swirly cosmic o's" I suddenly feel a piece of my child hood being ripped away from me....Not only did the cereal taste like shit, it came in a smaller box, so I ended up letting the shit go stale and ended up throwing it in the trash. So in the end I didn't save a damn penny because I wasted the whole box. This seems like a cruel joke of "welcome to the real world"
Fuck New Flavors
I like Sun Chips...a lot. I am into the Cheddar ones. Well... leave it to Sun Chips to copy Doritos and come out with some limited time flavors to test the waters. God must have been out of the office on this one, cause I happened to fuckin' walk into a grocery store where they had some. I saw them Cinnamon flavored ones and thought to myself, "I bet it tastes just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch and I am into that!" So I bought a bag, went home, started watching some Family Guy and ate a good portion of the bag. They tasted ok, I had nothing against them, but an hour later I felt like I had a fucking badger in my lower intestines trying to claw it's way out. I felt like I had to shit and puke at the same time, all while contracting Ebola from a Saigon whore. It is now 24 hours later and I am just starting to feel better. But here is the fucking kicker, you know I am going to fucking eat the rest of that bag, I ain't throwing shit away! Or maybe I'll let them sit in my kitchen until Vince comes over drunk and wants a snack.
Speaking of chips, I puked in a Doritos bag this weekend, and comically the room fell silent and all you heard was a drunk fuck say " Awwww, I was going to eat those."
Speaking of chips, I puked in a Doritos bag this weekend, and comically the room fell silent and all you heard was a drunk fuck say " Awwww, I was going to eat those."
Ways NOT to get your song played on the radio
So our age group doesn't typically listen to the radio (we're talking 18-27 here). We are more of the I-Pod age sure, but every once in a while, when the batteries go dead and there is no charger in site, and there we are, with the FM dial to work with. So you find a station that's decent, not too many commercials, mildly entertaining jock, and music that may not be your normal cup of tea, but will do. Then suddenly you hear it..."Call 555-5555 to hear your song" What the hell, nothing to loose right? If you dial those fateful request line numbers, keep these things in mind:
1- IF you don't hear the song in the first ½ hour, you're probably not gonna hear it. It can be for many reasons, the jock doesn't have time, has that artist coming up anyway/just played that artist, they just forgot, or if the DJ decides that if they hear that song one more time, they are gonna rip the fucking speakers out the wall.
2 - IF you call again within the hour... The DJ will recognize your voice, especially if you ask for the same song....congratulations, you are now a douche bag, Don't expect your song to be played for the rest of the night...UNLESS one of the reasons listed in #1 is no longer the reason and the jock is in a good mood...but your still a douchebag.
3 – It's been over an hour...you're still listening, and you still haven't heard the song? IF you call again and request the same song (chances are with a negative tone), congratulations, you are a prick and have been blacklisted. Don't expect to hear your song for at least 2 days...despite any reason for not playing it to begin with, the DJ is officially annoyed with you, and you are shit out of luck.
4 – What the fuck? It's been like, 2 hours and I still haven't heard it? Buy the CD buddy. IF you dare call again, not only will you be blacklisted from whatever show you were listening to, but probably the one after it too..."Hey...just so you know, there's a prick who keeps calling...." And you are now officially an Asshole. Your friends, providing you have any, are also assholes for associating with you at this point
5 – Don't you dare do it...do not call to bitch and ask "Why haven't I heard my song?" While the main reason is probably found in #1, which is an answer you will probably get, but the fact is, you now have annoyed the fuck out of the DJ, and it will be at least a month before they will play the song, providing you don't call again. And what the hell are you still doing just sitting and waiting for your song? If you are working...get back to work! If you are sitting alone...waiting for the song, you are one creepy mother fucker and would get better luck with your right hand. Even if you are driving...come on dude, pay attention to the road...Don't be the fucking douchebag who annoys us at work.
The Definition of Request - to ask (a person) to do something....it's not a fucking demand asshole
Guest Ranter
Laura
1- IF you don't hear the song in the first ½ hour, you're probably not gonna hear it. It can be for many reasons, the jock doesn't have time, has that artist coming up anyway/just played that artist, they just forgot, or if the DJ decides that if they hear that song one more time, they are gonna rip the fucking speakers out the wall.
2 - IF you call again within the hour... The DJ will recognize your voice, especially if you ask for the same song....congratulations, you are now a douche bag, Don't expect your song to be played for the rest of the night...UNLESS one of the reasons listed in #1 is no longer the reason and the jock is in a good mood...but your still a douchebag.
3 – It's been over an hour...you're still listening, and you still haven't heard the song? IF you call again and request the same song (chances are with a negative tone), congratulations, you are a prick and have been blacklisted. Don't expect to hear your song for at least 2 days...despite any reason for not playing it to begin with, the DJ is officially annoyed with you, and you are shit out of luck.
4 – What the fuck? It's been like, 2 hours and I still haven't heard it? Buy the CD buddy. IF you dare call again, not only will you be blacklisted from whatever show you were listening to, but probably the one after it too..."Hey...just so you know, there's a prick who keeps calling...." And you are now officially an Asshole. Your friends, providing you have any, are also assholes for associating with you at this point
5 – Don't you dare do it...do not call to bitch and ask "Why haven't I heard my song?" While the main reason is probably found in #1, which is an answer you will probably get, but the fact is, you now have annoyed the fuck out of the DJ, and it will be at least a month before they will play the song, providing you don't call again. And what the hell are you still doing just sitting and waiting for your song? If you are working...get back to work! If you are sitting alone...waiting for the song, you are one creepy mother fucker and would get better luck with your right hand. Even if you are driving...come on dude, pay attention to the road...Don't be the fucking douchebag who annoys us at work.
The Definition of Request - to ask (a person) to do something....it's not a fucking demand asshole
Guest Ranter
Laura
The state of California doesn't want me to buy booze
I had a long hard day at work, and I'm out of booze (it was my 23rd birthday this past weekend). I went to the local Ralph's to buy some Captain Morgan's delicious god damned rum. I was denied.
Here's the back story.
I gave into this shit hole of a state a week ago when I went to apply for my California license. I'd hate to be shit out of luck when some foreigner year ends me in a year down in Hollywood and oh FUCK, still have a WI license. So anyway, I took the 36 or so question exam, got 3 wrong. Awesome I passed. Whatever. I ASSUMED I was going to get my new damn license, just the way it happens in Wisconsin. "Oh you need a new ID? Sick *takes picture*." Bam, 10 minutes later, a shiny new ID.
Well that's NOT how it works in California. I should have guessed there would be bullshit; which is the primary export of this piece of flame ridden garbage of a state. The whore at the counter took my Wisconsin license and PUNCHED A FUCKING HOLE IN IT RIGHT OVER MY BIRTH DATE. Then she printed out a ratty piece of paper, gave it to me, and said "your new license will be in your mailbox in two weeks."
I was horrified and speechless. I KNEW that the shitty piece of paper wouldn't hold up. It did for a while. It worked at several bars in Hollywood (the bars thought my hole punched ID was good enough), and it even worked at the Down show on Friday. Did it work at Ralph's Foods? FUCK NO!
While I was being denied the woman had the balls (to match her moustache) to tell me that the piece of paper would probably work if I got pulled over. So the piece of paper certified and printed by the DMV is good enough for the LAPD but not good enough for Ralph's? What a joke!
I'm still waiting for my new ID.
Here's the back story.
I gave into this shit hole of a state a week ago when I went to apply for my California license. I'd hate to be shit out of luck when some foreigner year ends me in a year down in Hollywood and oh FUCK, still have a WI license. So anyway, I took the 36 or so question exam, got 3 wrong. Awesome I passed. Whatever. I ASSUMED I was going to get my new damn license, just the way it happens in Wisconsin. "Oh you need a new ID? Sick *takes picture*." Bam, 10 minutes later, a shiny new ID.
Well that's NOT how it works in California. I should have guessed there would be bullshit; which is the primary export of this piece of flame ridden garbage of a state. The whore at the counter took my Wisconsin license and PUNCHED A FUCKING HOLE IN IT RIGHT OVER MY BIRTH DATE. Then she printed out a ratty piece of paper, gave it to me, and said "your new license will be in your mailbox in two weeks."
I was horrified and speechless. I KNEW that the shitty piece of paper wouldn't hold up. It did for a while. It worked at several bars in Hollywood (the bars thought my hole punched ID was good enough), and it even worked at the Down show on Friday. Did it work at Ralph's Foods? FUCK NO!
While I was being denied the woman had the balls (to match her moustache) to tell me that the piece of paper would probably work if I got pulled over. So the piece of paper certified and printed by the DMV is good enough for the LAPD but not good enough for Ralph's? What a joke!
I'm still waiting for my new ID.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Add Me As Your Friend!
Bubb:
I am 24, I shouldn't give a fuck about MySpace, but i am single and enjoy tits. So I go through the same process every day and it always goes the same;
1) Nice! new friends, i will see who it is and add/deny them
2) Wow! look how hot this slut is! *click profile*
3) Fuck! she is fake and will just spam the shit out of my profile
4) Deny, and feel let down she wasn't real.
5) Repeat
But the thing is you have to check every time, because if one of these chicks with the name "seduce me" or "violet" or "cum crazy" is actually real and for some reason wants to be my friend, because maybe she just moved to Chicago, wants to make some new friends to go to shows with, hang out, watch the Discovery Channel, and maybe even decided to stop being a slut and wants to settle down with an average height, weight challenged, low income guy. And because I friended her, I might be that guy....or maybe she just wants me to join some dating site so I can see her "naughty pics"....either way, I can't take the chance of missing out on that.
Getting shot down via inter web makes my dick smaller than whiskey...
I am 24, I shouldn't give a fuck about MySpace, but i am single and enjoy tits. So I go through the same process every day and it always goes the same;
1) Nice! new friends, i will see who it is and add/deny them
2) Wow! look how hot this slut is! *click profile*
3) Fuck! she is fake and will just spam the shit out of my profile
4) Deny, and feel let down she wasn't real.
5) Repeat
But the thing is you have to check every time, because if one of these chicks with the name "seduce me" or "violet" or "cum crazy" is actually real and for some reason wants to be my friend, because maybe she just moved to Chicago, wants to make some new friends to go to shows with, hang out, watch the Discovery Channel, and maybe even decided to stop being a slut and wants to settle down with an average height, weight challenged, low income guy. And because I friended her, I might be that guy....or maybe she just wants me to join some dating site so I can see her "naughty pics"....either way, I can't take the chance of missing out on that.
Getting shot down via inter web makes my dick smaller than whiskey...
Destiny's Child
Vince:
LEMME UP GRADE! NO. Why the hell is Beyonce selling DirecTV? Has anyone seen this fuckin' commercial? In a nutshell, it's Beyonce with some "crew"dancing behind her with her singing creative lyrics like "lemme upgrade" and ahh, umm, no that's it. Those are the only lyrics.
Then Beyonce tells you all the great benefits of switching to HD DirecTV like…I don't even remember, I was to angry screaming WHY THE FUCK IS SHE ON THIS COMMERCIAL?!?!
The music isn't even good for R&B. It's shitty, like BAD. REALLY BAD.Plus it has something makes my blood fucking boil. A RANDOM WHISTLE BLOW. This (keep in mind I'm NO R&B/latin/dance expert) is relatively common place in this type of music. But since when has a whistle added to a song? What producer is sitting in a studio thinking, you knowwhat this song needs? It could really use a whistle, that'll really make the music shine. Christ that's irritating…
As if dancing, singing, and well written music wasn't enough, there's a show of a piece of bling reading, you guessed it, "upgrade", in HER TEETH. Like the upgrade is so good she wants to fucking eat it. Well,fuck, she can EAT IT.This commercial doesn't make me want to upgrade my satellite service;it makes me want to find the VP of marketing for direcTV and cram his ass full of flesh eating centipedes.
LEMME UP GRADE! NO. Why the hell is Beyonce selling DirecTV? Has anyone seen this fuckin' commercial? In a nutshell, it's Beyonce with some "crew"dancing behind her with her singing creative lyrics like "lemme upgrade" and ahh, umm, no that's it. Those are the only lyrics.
Then Beyonce tells you all the great benefits of switching to HD DirecTV like…I don't even remember, I was to angry screaming WHY THE FUCK IS SHE ON THIS COMMERCIAL?!?!
The music isn't even good for R&B. It's shitty, like BAD. REALLY BAD.Plus it has something makes my blood fucking boil. A RANDOM WHISTLE BLOW. This (keep in mind I'm NO R&B/latin/dance expert) is relatively common place in this type of music. But since when has a whistle added to a song? What producer is sitting in a studio thinking, you knowwhat this song needs? It could really use a whistle, that'll really make the music shine. Christ that's irritating…
As if dancing, singing, and well written music wasn't enough, there's a show of a piece of bling reading, you guessed it, "upgrade", in HER TEETH. Like the upgrade is so good she wants to fucking eat it. Well,fuck, she can EAT IT.This commercial doesn't make me want to upgrade my satellite service;it makes me want to find the VP of marketing for direcTV and cram his ass full of flesh eating centipedes.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Please her in the Bedroom!
Vince:
From: Special Edition Watches
Subject: Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona
From: Please her in the bedroom!
Subject: Vampire Drum Onion Leather Jacker Car-Race
Whose job is it to sit around and dream up spam e-mail subject lines? I know, as a business, they have to think of ways to bypass spam filters, but are they just dropping acid and drawing words out of a god damn hat? If you recieved an e-mail with either of those subjects, what the hell would ever make you want to open them? I mean, BESIDES the sick deals on the “little blue pill”, and of course, who wouldn’t want to “beat her womb with their giant” (another great spam e-mail subject line)? Does anyone actually buy products from these e-mails? “Yeah I’d really like to fix my ED and enlarge my size…and I’m not gonna go to the doctor, but I’ll sure as hell check my e-mail for deals!” You’d seriously have to have fucking down syndrome to buy something from those links. Hell, you’d have to about as smart as Corky from Life Goes on to even CLICK those links.
And since when are watches such a hot commodity, and why the fuck do I need authentic replicas? I can just imagine some psychotic spam marketer behind all those fucking e-mails laughing hysterically while trying to sell a warehouse full of shitty watches he somehow ended up with. Leave me the hell alone - I don’t wear a god damn watch!
Speaking of spam filters, mine just filters e-mails I actually DO need. So not only do I have to check my inbox, I have to dig through the garbage in my spam box to find important e-mails. Spam filters effectively double the amount of work I have to do. What a joke.
Should I really get that upset about this? I don’t care, pass the Jager.
From: Special Edition Watches
Subject: Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona
From: Please her in the bedroom!
Subject: Vampire Drum Onion Leather Jacker Car-Race
Whose job is it to sit around and dream up spam e-mail subject lines? I know, as a business, they have to think of ways to bypass spam filters, but are they just dropping acid and drawing words out of a god damn hat? If you recieved an e-mail with either of those subjects, what the hell would ever make you want to open them? I mean, BESIDES the sick deals on the “little blue pill”, and of course, who wouldn’t want to “beat her womb with their giant” (another great spam e-mail subject line)? Does anyone actually buy products from these e-mails? “Yeah I’d really like to fix my ED and enlarge my size…and I’m not gonna go to the doctor, but I’ll sure as hell check my e-mail for deals!” You’d seriously have to have fucking down syndrome to buy something from those links. Hell, you’d have to about as smart as Corky from Life Goes on to even CLICK those links.
And since when are watches such a hot commodity, and why the fuck do I need authentic replicas? I can just imagine some psychotic spam marketer behind all those fucking e-mails laughing hysterically while trying to sell a warehouse full of shitty watches he somehow ended up with. Leave me the hell alone - I don’t wear a god damn watch!
Speaking of spam filters, mine just filters e-mails I actually DO need. So not only do I have to check my inbox, I have to dig through the garbage in my spam box to find important e-mails. Spam filters effectively double the amount of work I have to do. What a joke.
Should I really get that upset about this? I don’t care, pass the Jager.
Ice Cream of the Future
Guest Writer
Blaze:
For the past 20 years Dippin' Dots has claimed to be the ice cream of the future. 20 years ago that shit was okay. But just admit it...it is just fucking Ice Cream now. fuck
Blaze:
For the past 20 years Dippin' Dots has claimed to be the ice cream of the future. 20 years ago that shit was okay. But just admit it...it is just fucking Ice Cream now. fuck
All New Dodge Family Room
Bubb:
Do you need to be entertained every fucking minute? Sick of spending quality time with your family? Hate having to do things that waste your time while driving, like paying attention to the road? Well fear not, thanks to the geniuses at Dodge you can take care of all of those at once. The new Caravan has like 9 TV screens, a table, and if my eyes serve me right, a self serve potato bar.
What the fuck is so hard about driving 20 minutes to drop little Timmy off with out having to entertain his ass. When i was a kid I sat in the car and was quiet, you look at the shit out the window. Now kids are playing X-Box, watching movies, and eating sandwiches that were made in the kitchen in the back of the car, and not watching what is going on so when that 18-wheeler crosses the median they aren't prepared to get their skulls crushed in...but at least we can rest easy that in their final moments they were able to watch Shrek 3.
Do you need to be entertained every fucking minute? Sick of spending quality time with your family? Hate having to do things that waste your time while driving, like paying attention to the road? Well fear not, thanks to the geniuses at Dodge you can take care of all of those at once. The new Caravan has like 9 TV screens, a table, and if my eyes serve me right, a self serve potato bar.
What the fuck is so hard about driving 20 minutes to drop little Timmy off with out having to entertain his ass. When i was a kid I sat in the car and was quiet, you look at the shit out the window. Now kids are playing X-Box, watching movies, and eating sandwiches that were made in the kitchen in the back of the car, and not watching what is going on so when that 18-wheeler crosses the median they aren't prepared to get their skulls crushed in...but at least we can rest easy that in their final moments they were able to watch Shrek 3.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Long Hangover Lesson
Blaze:
I wrote this little number this summer in D.C. Thought you might enjoy it. It's a little long, but I know you aren't doing jack shit anyway.
Yesterday I was sitting at my computer procrastinating on some of the work I have to prepare before the school year. Since I am already behind, I did the obvious; I made a hangover rating scale.
Stage 1: This hangover usually occurs after having between 3 and 5 beers and is often a direct result of minimal sleep. After waking, minor head pain similar to the feeling of a Danny Tanner right hook and dry mouth set in. Brief regret exists for going to bed 4 hours ago but is forgotten within the next 2 hours after realizing that domestic bottles are half off at (insert bar name here) on (insert day here).
Stage 2: This hangover generally follows a night of moderate to heavy consumption. Adequate sleep allows the body to properly process alcohol and rid the body of said toxins before awakening. Head pain and stomach issues may be present in the weak-minded. Consumption of water, greasy food, and brief physical activity can eliminate this hangover by lunch time. Bodily functions are not severely disrupted and the cognitive thought processes of a Stage 2 recipient are generally restored by dinner time. As long as the sufferer showers, this hangover may even go undetected by bosses, nosy coworkers, or children looking to tell you that you “smell like daddy.”
Stage 3: This hangover is a little more stubborn and often requires a disciplined regimen of fresh air, hydrating fluids, and excessive caloric intake throughout the day. Stage 3 hangovers often follow nights of drinking that would be considered by some to include excessive shots, and any one of the following; beer bongs, keg stands, or essential peer pressure to ante up. Recipients show minor to moderate regret for drinking as much as they did depending on the prior evenings one to five “fun scale” rating (one being moderate laughs and minimal awkwardness and five being police involvement and a story including a Turkish snow cone given by an old man that works for cash tips).
Stage 4: This hangover often coincides with such statements as “what happened last night?” “where are my pants?” why is there a squirrel on the couch eating Doritos?” and “where are we?” Such statements usually receive a retort along the following lines… “You were really drunk last night,” “the cops said they never saw anyone that enraged,” or if the respondent is a parent, “you shouldn’t drink so much.” The confused and feeble-minded hangover recipient cautiously obliges the respondent by agreeing to never drink again, or at least not for awhile. With stage 4 hangovers, this statement is generally honored for 1 to 4 days depending upon the promise’s relation to future events in time (i.e. village picnics, holidays, or Irish wakes).
Stage 4 sufferers often have trouble making basic movements and generally remind others of a mid-90s Courtney Love. Stage 4 sufferers can respond to basic questions with well thought out one word responses. If the Stage 4 sufferer is required to attend work, menial tasks such as turning computers on and attending smoking breaks can usually be completed with less than half of the office knowing that the sufferer is still totally wasted. Driving is best avoided as objects such as stop signs, parked cars, and small children all closely resemble the Sun. Reaction time is equitable to that of a blind infant with Down syndrome and the sufferer can expect to smell like Ted Kennedy for at least 48 hours.
Stage 5: This hangover has only been experienced by a privileged few. Only those that have undergone the painful effects of this hangover truly understand its colossal staying power and ever-present misery. Stage 5 hangovers often follow in-deliberate and abrupt pass-outs where things like water, food, and voluntary bathroom visits could have prevented embarrassingly painful awakenings in the morning.
Loss of bodily function often precedes the Stage 5 hangover; which only adds insult to the random drunken injury. Although not a requirement, many a time has the Stage 5er awakened to find himself marinating in his own urine (generally in the clothes he was wearing from the night before).
Like a wet blanket in a storm, food and beverage can actually worsen the feeble condition of this poor bastard.
Stage 5 hangovers are generally followed by extremely wicked changes in bodily functions. If the Stage 5er can muster the strength to make it to the bathroom, deposits will generally resemble a completed paint-by-numbers portrait carefully handcrafted by a Golden Retriever. Since the Stage 5er is so dehydrated, urination should be expected sometime in the next two to three weeks.
In the Stage 5 hangover, the brain is so battered from excessive alcohol consumption, such phrases as “are you okay?” cannot be deciphered in less than 5 minutes and responses are limited to caveman-like grunts. Nods are out of the question as any head movement can result in painful spastic contortions and further brain damage. Saturday morning television or reruns of Friends are often too complex for this sufferer and light of any sort resembles a visual of Gilbert Godfrey’s voice in real time. Stage 5ers are often best left alone as even Mother Theresa would annoy the shit out of the sufferer to the point of tears (if he was hydrated enough to produce them). Stage 5ers are way too incapacitated to even think about performing sexually and very few people would even think of rousing a Stage 5er for coitus as their sheer odor and physical appearance bear great resemblance to that of a sedated camel.
Depending upon the events of the previous evening, the Stage 5er might commit to extended periods of abstinence from alcohol in writing (as spoken word is incomprehensible). The sufferer will most likely develop an aversion to a certain kind of liquor or mixed drink (but not beer) as there is not enough domestic beer in the United States to create a Stage 5 without the cooperation of hard alcohol. Said aversions can last anywhere from weeks to a lifetime depending upon the activities committed the night prior. Certain events often push bystanders and concerned friends and family to also ban certain concoctions from the sufferer. Violent fits of rage, embarrassing confessions, and vehicular accidents can force the Stage 5er to negate his right to future consumption as a form of diplomatic sanction placed on him by outside parties. The Stage 5 hangover can last anywhere from 12 hours to 2 or 3 days in real time, but to the sufferer, it feels as if its symptoms last slightly longer than the Carter Administration did.
I wrote this little number this summer in D.C. Thought you might enjoy it. It's a little long, but I know you aren't doing jack shit anyway.
Yesterday I was sitting at my computer procrastinating on some of the work I have to prepare before the school year. Since I am already behind, I did the obvious; I made a hangover rating scale.
Stage 1: This hangover usually occurs after having between 3 and 5 beers and is often a direct result of minimal sleep. After waking, minor head pain similar to the feeling of a Danny Tanner right hook and dry mouth set in. Brief regret exists for going to bed 4 hours ago but is forgotten within the next 2 hours after realizing that domestic bottles are half off at (insert bar name here) on (insert day here).
Stage 2: This hangover generally follows a night of moderate to heavy consumption. Adequate sleep allows the body to properly process alcohol and rid the body of said toxins before awakening. Head pain and stomach issues may be present in the weak-minded. Consumption of water, greasy food, and brief physical activity can eliminate this hangover by lunch time. Bodily functions are not severely disrupted and the cognitive thought processes of a Stage 2 recipient are generally restored by dinner time. As long as the sufferer showers, this hangover may even go undetected by bosses, nosy coworkers, or children looking to tell you that you “smell like daddy.”
Stage 3: This hangover is a little more stubborn and often requires a disciplined regimen of fresh air, hydrating fluids, and excessive caloric intake throughout the day. Stage 3 hangovers often follow nights of drinking that would be considered by some to include excessive shots, and any one of the following; beer bongs, keg stands, or essential peer pressure to ante up. Recipients show minor to moderate regret for drinking as much as they did depending on the prior evenings one to five “fun scale” rating (one being moderate laughs and minimal awkwardness and five being police involvement and a story including a Turkish snow cone given by an old man that works for cash tips).
Stage 4: This hangover often coincides with such statements as “what happened last night?” “where are my pants?” why is there a squirrel on the couch eating Doritos?” and “where are we?” Such statements usually receive a retort along the following lines… “You were really drunk last night,” “the cops said they never saw anyone that enraged,” or if the respondent is a parent, “you shouldn’t drink so much.” The confused and feeble-minded hangover recipient cautiously obliges the respondent by agreeing to never drink again, or at least not for awhile. With stage 4 hangovers, this statement is generally honored for 1 to 4 days depending upon the promise’s relation to future events in time (i.e. village picnics, holidays, or Irish wakes).
Stage 4 sufferers often have trouble making basic movements and generally remind others of a mid-90s Courtney Love. Stage 4 sufferers can respond to basic questions with well thought out one word responses. If the Stage 4 sufferer is required to attend work, menial tasks such as turning computers on and attending smoking breaks can usually be completed with less than half of the office knowing that the sufferer is still totally wasted. Driving is best avoided as objects such as stop signs, parked cars, and small children all closely resemble the Sun. Reaction time is equitable to that of a blind infant with Down syndrome and the sufferer can expect to smell like Ted Kennedy for at least 48 hours.
Stage 5: This hangover has only been experienced by a privileged few. Only those that have undergone the painful effects of this hangover truly understand its colossal staying power and ever-present misery. Stage 5 hangovers often follow in-deliberate and abrupt pass-outs where things like water, food, and voluntary bathroom visits could have prevented embarrassingly painful awakenings in the morning.
Loss of bodily function often precedes the Stage 5 hangover; which only adds insult to the random drunken injury. Although not a requirement, many a time has the Stage 5er awakened to find himself marinating in his own urine (generally in the clothes he was wearing from the night before).
Like a wet blanket in a storm, food and beverage can actually worsen the feeble condition of this poor bastard.
Stage 5 hangovers are generally followed by extremely wicked changes in bodily functions. If the Stage 5er can muster the strength to make it to the bathroom, deposits will generally resemble a completed paint-by-numbers portrait carefully handcrafted by a Golden Retriever. Since the Stage 5er is so dehydrated, urination should be expected sometime in the next two to three weeks.
In the Stage 5 hangover, the brain is so battered from excessive alcohol consumption, such phrases as “are you okay?” cannot be deciphered in less than 5 minutes and responses are limited to caveman-like grunts. Nods are out of the question as any head movement can result in painful spastic contortions and further brain damage. Saturday morning television or reruns of Friends are often too complex for this sufferer and light of any sort resembles a visual of Gilbert Godfrey’s voice in real time. Stage 5ers are often best left alone as even Mother Theresa would annoy the shit out of the sufferer to the point of tears (if he was hydrated enough to produce them). Stage 5ers are way too incapacitated to even think about performing sexually and very few people would even think of rousing a Stage 5er for coitus as their sheer odor and physical appearance bear great resemblance to that of a sedated camel.
Depending upon the events of the previous evening, the Stage 5er might commit to extended periods of abstinence from alcohol in writing (as spoken word is incomprehensible). The sufferer will most likely develop an aversion to a certain kind of liquor or mixed drink (but not beer) as there is not enough domestic beer in the United States to create a Stage 5 without the cooperation of hard alcohol. Said aversions can last anywhere from weeks to a lifetime depending upon the activities committed the night prior. Certain events often push bystanders and concerned friends and family to also ban certain concoctions from the sufferer. Violent fits of rage, embarrassing confessions, and vehicular accidents can force the Stage 5er to negate his right to future consumption as a form of diplomatic sanction placed on him by outside parties. The Stage 5 hangover can last anywhere from 12 hours to 2 or 3 days in real time, but to the sufferer, it feels as if its symptoms last slightly longer than the Carter Administration did.
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