Saturday, December 1, 2007

Craig's List

Yeah, I am a dude, I like woman...a lot. Most of the time I am thinking "that chick is hot" "she is not hot" "I want to listen to Slayer" or "man am i fucked up". I like bars, and shows, and any other place I can find attractive people. But Craig's this shit. If I think there is any chance my penis is ending up on the floor, I see no no possible reason to hook up with chicks from here:

Casual encounters -
I need someone to write a 5 page paper on the pros and cons of global outsourcing so that I can paint my nails instead. Also, you could help me with another homework assignment if you'd be willing to let me take pictures of you shirtless, blindfolded, and smoking a cigarette with dotted lines indicating where to cut to remove your vital organs. P.S. I am hot. Thanks!

FUCK...come on, I don't thinks so....

and what about this one...

Hey I am Mandy. I am 25. I've heard great things about these personals & figured it couldn't hurt to put one of these things up just to find out what's out there. My hair is brown, I am 5'4 tall. I have nice 36 C breasts. If you contact me bear in mind that I'm not looking for a soul mate just friends and fuck buddies. If your interested contact me and I will respond with pictures of myself. I just did not feel comfortable posting them on here.

Let me translate that to regular people...hi, my name is Mandy, i have herpies, i love to get drunk and fuck a different dude every day. I love BJ's, HJ's, and ZJ's. Please shit in my mouth...

come on people, the internet is great, but put in some fucking effort.

...and if you are a hot single woman looking to hook up, i am 24, love music, and am very caring in bed...eamil me with pics.



McLovin said...

ok, this my follow up on Craigslist, this nothing less than amazing.


What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

chaosAT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chaosAT said...

Hmmm I think there's a woman I know who's single and looking for a random hook-up. Lemme know and I'll forward you her digits...