I wrote this little number this summer in D.C. Thought you might enjoy it. It's a little long, but I know you aren't doing jack shit anyway.
Yesterday I was sitting at my computer procrastinating on some of the work I have to prepare before the school year. Since I am already behind, I did the obvious; I made a hangover rating scale.
Stage 1: This hangover usually occurs after having between 3 and 5 beers and is often a direct result of minimal sleep. After waking, minor head pain similar to the feeling of a Danny Tanner right hook and dry mouth set in. Brief regret exists for going to bed 4 hours ago but is forgotten within the next 2 hours after realizing that domestic bottles are half off at (insert bar name here) on (insert day here).
Stage 2: This hangover generally follows a night of moderate to heavy consumption. Adequate sleep allows the body to properly process alcohol and rid the body of said toxins before awakening. Head pain and stomach issues may be present in the weak-minded. Consumption of water, greasy food, and brief physical activity can eliminate this hangover by lunch time. Bodily functions are not severely disrupted and the cognitive thought processes of a Stage 2 recipient are generally restored by dinner time. As long as the sufferer showers, this hangover may even go undetected by bosses, nosy coworkers, or children looking to tell you that you “smell like daddy.”
Stage 3: This hangover is a little more stubborn and often requires a disciplined regimen of fresh air, hydrating fluids, and excessive caloric intake throughout the day. Stage 3 hangovers often follow nights of drinking that would be considered by some to include excessive shots, and any one of the following; beer bongs, keg stands, or essential peer pressure to ante up. Recipients show minor to moderate regret for drinking as much as they did depending on the prior evenings one to five “fun scale” rating (one being moderate laughs and minimal awkwardness and five being police involvement and a story including a Turkish snow cone given by an old man that works for cash tips).
Stage 4: This hangover often coincides with such statements as “what happened last night?” “where are my pants?” why is there a squirrel on the couch eating Doritos?” and “where are we?” Such statements usually receive a retort along the following lines… “You were really drunk last night,” “the cops said they never saw anyone that enraged,” or if the respondent is a parent, “you shouldn’t drink so much.” The confused and feeble-minded hangover recipient cautiously obliges the respondent by agreeing to never drink again, or at least not for awhile. With stage 4 hangovers, this statement is generally honored for 1 to 4 days depending upon the promise’s relation to future events in time (i.e. village picnics, holidays, or Irish wakes).
Stage 4 sufferers often have trouble making basic movements and generally remind others of a mid-90s Courtney Love. Stage 4 sufferers can respond to basic questions with well thought out one word responses. If the Stage 4 sufferer is required to attend work, menial tasks such as turning computers on and attending smoking breaks can usually be completed with less than half of the office knowing that the sufferer is still totally wasted. Driving is best avoided as objects such as stop signs, parked cars, and small children all closely resemble the Sun. Reaction time is equitable to that of a blind infant with Down syndrome and the sufferer can expect to smell like Ted Kennedy for at least 48 hours.
Stage 5: This hangover has only been experienced by a privileged few. Only those that have undergone the painful effects of this hangover truly understand its colossal staying power and ever-present misery. Stage 5 hangovers often follow in-deliberate and abrupt pass-outs where things like water, food, and voluntary bathroom visits could have prevented embarrassingly painful awakenings in the morning.
Loss of bodily function often precedes the Stage 5 hangover; which only adds insult to the random drunken injury. Although not a requirement, many a time has the Stage 5er awakened to find himself marinating in his own urine (generally in the clothes he was wearing from the night before).
Like a wet blanket in a storm, food and beverage can actually worsen the feeble condition of this poor bastard.
Stage 5 hangovers are generally followed by extremely wicked changes in bodily functions. If the Stage 5er can muster the strength to make it to the bathroom, deposits will generally resemble a completed paint-by-numbers portrait carefully handcrafted by a Golden Retriever. Since the Stage 5er is so dehydrated, urination should be expected sometime in the next two to three weeks.
In the Stage 5 hangover, the brain is so battered from excessive alcohol consumption, such phrases as “are you okay?” cannot be deciphered in less than 5 minutes and responses are limited to caveman-like grunts. Nods are out of the question as any head movement can result in painful spastic contortions and further brain damage. Saturday morning television or reruns of Friends are often too complex for this sufferer and light of any sort resembles a visual of Gilbert Godfrey’s voice in real time. Stage 5ers are often best left alone as even Mother Theresa would annoy the shit out of the sufferer to the point of tears (if he was hydrated enough to produce them). Stage 5ers are way too incapacitated to even think about performing sexually and very few people would even think of rousing a Stage 5er for coitus as their sheer odor and physical appearance bear great resemblance to that of a sedated camel.
Depending upon the events of the previous evening, the Stage 5er might commit to extended periods of abstinence from alcohol in writing (as spoken word is incomprehensible). The sufferer will most likely develop an aversion to a certain kind of liquor or mixed drink (but not beer) as there is not enough domestic beer in the United States to create a Stage 5 without the cooperation of hard alcohol. Said aversions can last anywhere from weeks to a lifetime depending upon the activities committed the night prior. Certain events often push bystanders and concerned friends and family to also ban certain concoctions from the sufferer. Violent fits of rage, embarrassing confessions, and vehicular accidents can force the Stage 5er to negate his right to future consumption as a form of diplomatic sanction placed on him by outside parties. The Stage 5 hangover can last anywhere from 12 hours to 2 or 3 days in real time, but to the sufferer, it feels as if its symptoms last slightly longer than the Carter Administration did.