Saturday, February 16, 2008

2/12/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

Seriously, I enjoy these, and if you do to, let me hear about it, I need some encouragement, or at least ideas of shit to bitch about. I am excited to say this is the first, completely reader generated Update. All topics were supplied by readers, I just applied my hatred to them.

Uggs, ladies…are you fucking kidding me? This is right the fuck up there with colored leggings (see last weeks update). You could be the hottest girl that has ever talked to me in a bar, and ask me to go home with you, and if you were wearing Uggs, I would seriously consider saying no. I am not even joking, it is like you stuffed your feet into 2 small penguin’s mouths and started walking around. FUCK those anger me.

It is snowing in the Midwest…a fact they say it is the most we have gotten in 29 years. That is a fucking lot of snow. Those who say the climate is getting warmer, come sit in fucking Chicago for a day. -25 degrees, are you fucking serious? Am I the only one who thinks snow should change color. How fucked would it be to wake up, roll out of bed, open the window, and see nothing but orange everywhere. What a mind fuck that would be.

Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Ok, I can kind of see how in ghetto language milkshake got its name…ha...ha…semen, milkshake….whatever, I can see a lot of thought went into that one. But bring to the yard…anyone? Anyone? And how does this shit get played on the radio… simple, cause white people are stupid, and learn what things mean like 2 years behind. Remember skeet? I still don’t know what the fuck that means, I am fucking white.

Do cell phones give you cancer? I hope not, cause I sit on the couch with 2 blackberrys on my lap!

Someone wanted me to talk about shaving balls. I do not know if that is an appropriate topic for all my readers, but I must say, a courtesy trim never hurt anyone...i am looking at everyone here.

I went to Hollywood last Friday, I was there for about 3 min and I ran into Rob and Big, no lie, it was funny, black Esco and all. Now I just wish I was cool enough to get past “What up Rob?” “Nothing” “Cool”.

Just when I had a good rant about how the new American Gladiators got cancelled, boom! There a new episode is on tonight…I did not watch, it is so bad. But I am hoping after this first episode of Nightrider, I will have a canceled show to laugh at.

How is it that old ladies are always prepared for flights, they come on with a super big purse and have enough food to keep the plane alive if we landed on an island. Checks-mix, hard candy, gum, candy bars, dried fruit, granola bars..i mean it is fucking insane what these old ladies are busting out, I swear I saw an old lady pull out a glazed ham the other day ….no lie.

I am watching all of the Bourne movies this week…they are goodness.

I wish babies and small children were able to be stowed away in the upper compartments or checked at ticketing. That would be sweet, there would be no crying babies on the plane and you would get to watch a turntable belt of kids just going around and sliding down chutes…

Please pay attention to the stewardess in the isle and look at the fold out in the seat back in front of you as we go through the safety features of this Boeing 737. You will notice there is 6 exits, 2 in front of the aircraft, 2 in back, and one on either side of the plane over the wings. You will also notice that if you are closest to these wing exits your life depends on the 55 year old drunk business man, or the 85 year old senile couple and their ability to open a large door which they have never had practice doing, assuming they are not overcome by fear and straight start stabbing people. In case of water landing your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device, we feel this is better to tell you than the plane will explode on impact, and those who manage to survive and float with their seat cushion will most likely drown or be eaten by sharks. We do not expect a change in cabin pressure, but if there is, oxygen masks will fall from above you, the bag will not inflate, but trust us, oxygen is flowing through them, this meaningless task is simply to distract you while you plummet to certain doom and we are jumping out of the plane with parachutes. We are about to take off, please make sure you are wearing your seatbelts, and your seat and tray tables are in the upright position, because if we are rear ended by another plane during take off you could be ejected through the windshield or get whiplash. Thank you for flying with us today, and enjoy your flight sitting between the smell fat guy and the foreigner who doesn’t speak English and appears to be praying the entire flight.

Listen to the following and you will suck 50% less:
Murder By Death
Heaven Shall Burn
August Burns Red

2/5/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

If I was a 17 year old girl, I would do everything to Ryan Sheckler…and I mean everything.

Ladies … colored leggings under skirts….no….read my lips…NO…seriously…NO!

Don’t worry, I have one for the dudes as well. Bandanas ….no. Not in your back pocket, not around your neck, not around your wrist or leg…unless you are a pirate, construction worker, or are from NJ, there is no need to ever wear a bandana.

What ever happened to Topenga from Boy Meets World? Last I remember she got fat. And what about Stephanie from Full House? Last I remember she did a porn.And what ever happened to Kelly from Saved by The Bell? Last I remember she was dead or some shit.

Rob and Big…I want that life…all of it…but i don’t want a big black guy, I want something crazy, like a sumo dude, and indian (feather not dot), or like a sweet spider monkey.

Making The Band 4 is on tonight. You think after the first 3 did not produce said “band”, they would have cut that shit.

Ladies…black, red, dark blue = attractive wear that shit
Ladies…spants, capris, sun pants = not attractive, do not talk to me

I got a sick SICK pair of Zoo Yorks in the mail today, so stoked.

I want a sponsor, like a ridiculous one, and would pimp that shit all over. On my shirts, hats, one the side of my car….everywhere. but it needs to be crazy…not a young brand, but something off the wall like Adult Depends, Anal Cream, Roach Houses, or Tide.

I don’t want to be a race car driver, I want to be a Race Car Passenger, and just bug the driver. Maybe you should slow down….make this left….you sure do like Tide…

Pirates of the Caribbean 3, I have never been so un-entertained by big name actors.

Coming up next week for shows, All That Remains, Chimaira, Dead To Fall, Emmure, Darkest Hour, Whitechapel, amoung others….so stoked.

Listen to these bands this week, and you may not only find a new band, you may actually gain some credibility:
Dream Theater
Between The Buried and Me
The Red Chord
In Flames

1/28/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

Ok, so I wasn’t going to do this tonight…that is until I just saw what I saw. It was a commercial for another dance movie for black people. I thought with the upcoming “how she move” movie, I thought our quota for bad dance movies was met for the year already, but I was wrong. The visual debacle knows as “Step Up 2” will now be hitting theatres. For one, I did not know there was a “Step Up 1”, two, after the glairing failure of “Bring it on Again” , “Stomp the Yard”, and “Drumline” you would think the people creating this shit would wise up, or get hit by a train…something….

It was my birthday last week, so Saturday I went out…I …got…out…of…control.

Superbowl is this weekend..and I say, who gives a fuck, the game is gonna suck, but I have high hopes for the commercials

I just ordered a sick pair Zoo York shoes.

So I spent Saturday night with some friends, and some people I just met. I am not sure how I feel about being with people that think they are too good for a punk rock bar….as if everything needs to be maid with glass, people need to have ties, and no neck tattoos. And last time I checked motorcycles and skulls is very fashionable…

I may…or may not have…puked Saturday night…several times…in the front lobby of a really high class building…in front of the door man…in the big turnstile door….like I said….maybe..or maybe not

I think I would make a good father…especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Dane Cook…kind of funny, but not really anymore, everyone likes him, which automatically makes him less cool.

I may or may not have fell into a bunch of glasses…stacked on the bar, and smashed like 20 of them…maybe…maybe not

I have made a small list. If a girl can check off everything on this list, she may be my dream girl…but I have yet to meet a 5 checker
1) Likes beer
2) Can watch Star Wars movies and not be bored
3) Likes metal
4) Can go 2 days without talking to me, or does not freak out if they do not hear from me every 6 hours
5) Agrees the following things suck: Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Radiohead, The Office, old people, babies, guacamole, and dirty white shoes

Check these bands out, and suck less:
Heaven Shall Burn
In Flames
Dead to Fall

1/22/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

Well…. It is my birthday in 2 hours. I continue to support the idea that after 21, every birthday just gets more and more depressing. I am getting old. I am a quarter centaury old, or as I see it, 50% of my life is over. Yeah, I can’t see living much past 50..lets be serious. They need to make birthday’s a little better after 21. Like when you turn 25 you get have a threesome, or when you turn 30 you get a free car, and 50 you get to spend a week on an island with a girl half your age…I mean lets get something to look forward to here.

Dead to Fall has a new song up on their MySpace, listen to it, it is amazing and funny, list en to Major Rager, and get like 1:40 in, I crack up everytime.

The Giants…. What can I say..they played better, The Packers did not play to their capacity…but let me says this, I hope New England (keep in mind I hate anything remotely related to Boston) walks in and wins by 50, breaks all of the offensive line’s legs, gives Eli a collapsed lung, and every Giants fan in AZ gets a DUI.

Emmure called and left a Voicemail of one of their new tracks from the studio….I pooped a little it was so good.

Football commercials have gotten lazy and do not entertain me anymore…Bud Light, American Express, NHL…where are all the good commercials??

It was cold this weekend….like really cold…. Fuck that

Cloverfield….not bad, when I left the theatre, I was not angry, I was not upset I spent 8 bucks for it…the shitty 7 dollar popcorn on the other hand made me irate.

Shoot ‘em Up…holy Christ…worst movie ever…like I mean bad…anyone remember American Movie…yeah, worse than that!


So my Playoff Beard is gone now, back to clean shaven baby face. I was just starting to like it too.

One last thought on Cloverfield….theoretically lets say a giant monster attacked my city, and theoretically the army could not stop this thing, and theoretically it was dropping mini monsters that ate people, I theoretically would not be filming shit, or worrying about anyone else not with me, I would be getting the FUCK OUT OF DODGE!!!

There is new Counting Crow songs up on their MySpace page, go check that shit out.

I looked at a new apartment today, it is way close to Downtown, it is disgustingly amazing. Like if you live there nothing but hot chicks, diamonds, and baked goods would fall from the sky for you.

Hellooooooooo…remember that Seinfeld, I love that shit.

Eli Manning is a fucking bitch!

Listen to the following and you will suck less:
With Blood Comes Cleansing
Counting Crows
Arise and Ruin
In Flames
Rotting Christ

1/13/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

I almost didn’t write one this week….that was until I just saw the commercial for “How She Move”. Are you fucking kidding me! It is basically “Stomp the Yard” 2. I do not even have words to describe how much I laughed, I may have even pooped a little. I don’t understand how all these movies clearly aimed at African Americans revolve around barber shops, taking a black guy and putting him in a fat woman suit, or dancing. That seems fucked up to me, as if to say black people do not go to films with actual content. Although I suppose it is the equivalence, of Adam Sandler, Jackass, and anything Rob Snyder does for white people.

Packers….Fuck yeah
Giants…Fuck yeah
Chargers….Fuck yeah

My Saturday for the Packer Game1pm
– Get to Porch’s House2pm
– Get to Bar for game3pm
– Game is about to start, many large beers already gone5pm
– Pretty well on my way, Packers are winning5:05pm
– Thumb wrestle some random chicks5:06pm
– Win thumb wrestling7pm
– packers have won, wasted, on my way to Cobra8pm
– Eat dinner at cobra, shot, shot , shot9pm
– Passed out in my bed

So I made the smart decision to play Mario Kart against my roommate for money, but I unknowingly choose a slower car, needless to say, 100 games later I was down $177…it was a long Friday night.

Brett Favre is awesome…end of story

My beard growing for the green and gold continues….it is getting pretty far out there.

Terminator: The Sara Suck Chronicles….what a joke, they keep bringing all this shit back, Gladiators was a let down, and now they are bringing back Night Rider. If I have to see one more reality show about dating or being a model I swear I will start blowing shit up.

60 degrees in January..and now for the first time ever it snowed in Bagdad…I have never been behind the whole Global Warming thing…but something is fucked up right now… I like to tell myself the earth goes through massive cycles, which is true, but the way the shitty drivers in Chicago drive with a little snow, I can only imagine how the people who have never seen snow drive when a few flakes land. I imagine trucks (and tanks) careening into buildings and running over infants.

As much as I like Peter Frampton, I often wonder how he was just sitting around one day and goes, “I want to play guitar through my mouth” and then I feel bad for the roadie who he goes to and says “dude, I want to play guitar through my mouth…make it happen”

Hint – Baby Mario + Turtle with wings + green shell car = winning combo

Cloverfield….what the fuck is it…I am standing by my Godzilla prediction…. And if the movie sucks I am going to be way bumbed out!

My birthday is in a week. I will be officially old.

Things that everyone likes but I think is lame:
James Bond Movies
The Office
Babies and old people

Listen to the following and suck a little less:
Farewell to Freeway
Cannibal Corpse
Jefferson Airplane

1/6/08 Sunday Thoughts Reader Comments...

I watched American Gladiators tonight, as I was obsessed with the original and am extremely susceptible to shitty programming. A few thoughts...

A) Hulk Hogan works as one of the hosts, but the other host sucks. I think its Muhammad Ali's daughter? Her voice is deeper than mine and her arms are as big as my legs. I would rather see a mindless hot chick that at least allows me to visualize the unspeakable deeds I would perform on her behind closed doors. If not a hot chick, a washed up has-been NFL player would work as well...preferably someone with a serious drug habit that needs cash.

B) I want to have sex with Crush...even though my penis would be no match for her muscular vagina.

C) What's with the homo-erotic uniforms some of the gladiators are wearing? I prefer some uniformity when it comes to uniforms. Hence the similarity in the two words uniform and uniformity. Go back to the old-school shit...decked out wrestler singlets. Also,the islander gladiator's traditional garb looks about American as Alanis Morissette.

D) All of the male competitors are monster tools. These are the guys that put control paste in their hair and cologne on their classic wife beater before they work out. I guarantee Nickelback is bumping on their iPod while they are "totally blasting their pecs."

E) The female competitors compelled me to start a large campaign to end women's suffrage. If being annoying resulted in extra points, some of these women would have a substantial head start on the Eliminator.

F) Wolf is awesome. I can't help but think they give him massive loads of HGH during set changes...also, I think I saw him eat like 4 babies during the ladies jousting competition. I am sure he is some washed-up pro wrestler that can't hold a steady job, but he is the only gladiator with real character, and he is a classic tribute to the supreme shit-bags like Nitro and Malibu that littered the original series. This show was known for bad hair back when bad hair was a way of life...but Wolf's split ends, poor hygiene, and abysmal grooming is a timeless tribute to Malibu's much coveted permed-mullet.

1/6/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

SO I am watching the new American Gladiators. Now, I love this show, but the new version is yet to impress me. With names like Wolf, Crush, Malitia, and so forth, I am a little down there is no Nitro, Pyro, or Blaze. Which makes me wonder, where are those American Gladiators from 20 years ago. Do you think there friends still call them Nitro or whatever there names were. Cause that would be a little lame.

If I was the asian kid in Captain Planet that got “heart” I would be fucking pissed

I am thinking about filling my roommate’s bodywash bottle with Rogain to see what will happen.

Congrats to Seattle, they get to get their asses kicked by the pack next Saturday at 3:30.

This American Gladiators has a lot of talking and shout outs to their family and bullshit…I tuned in for violence…I want to see bones broken…none of this good sportsman ship bullshit…this should be like high school football, if you come out of the Joust with a smile on your face after losing you get smacked in the face!

PS – Crush is the hottest chick…Golgatha is gigantic and would Crush me!

My roommate got his ass kicked this weekend, and I thought I was the out of control one.

I laugh at homeless people sometimes, especially while they are singing and shit by my car. But I also feel bad when I think how much that would suck to be in there situation, but then I stop caring again and go do something that involves money and food… sucks to be them.

Shout out to my boy C.O. from Vegas for hooking it up with Nintendo, much Mario Kart will be played!

Your local band sucks! So please don’t ask me to watch them.

The Biggest Loser. What a stupid fucking show. I don’t care if you are fat, I don’t care if you are trying not to be fat, so why the fuck would I want to watch you and your 600 pounds run a mile and then weigh yourself in front of a panel. If you feel bad for being fat and don’t like people judging you, why the fuck would you do it on network TV.

I am still growing my beard; I am not shaving until the Packers lose. It is the longest I have ever grown it.

American Gladiator is really starting to piss me off. All this good spirit sucks. And this just in the really black guy’s name is Knight….no pun intended I am sure.

Listen the following, you might suck less:
Red I Flight
D 12
The Funeral Pyre
With Blood Comes Cleansing
Justin Timberlake
Counting Crows