Saturday, February 16, 2008

2/12/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

Seriously, I enjoy these, and if you do to, let me hear about it, I need some encouragement, or at least ideas of shit to bitch about. I am excited to say this is the first, completely reader generated Update. All topics were supplied by readers, I just applied my hatred to them.

Uggs, ladies…are you fucking kidding me? This is right the fuck up there with colored leggings (see last weeks update). You could be the hottest girl that has ever talked to me in a bar, and ask me to go home with you, and if you were wearing Uggs, I would seriously consider saying no. I am not even joking, it is like you stuffed your feet into 2 small penguin’s mouths and started walking around. FUCK those anger me.

It is snowing in the Midwest…a fact they say it is the most we have gotten in 29 years. That is a fucking lot of snow. Those who say the climate is getting warmer, come sit in fucking Chicago for a day. -25 degrees, are you fucking serious? Am I the only one who thinks snow should change color. How fucked would it be to wake up, roll out of bed, open the window, and see nothing but orange everywhere. What a mind fuck that would be.

Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Ok, I can kind of see how in ghetto language milkshake got its name…ha...ha…semen, milkshake….whatever, I can see a lot of thought went into that one. But bring to the yard…anyone? Anyone? And how does this shit get played on the radio… simple, cause white people are stupid, and learn what things mean like 2 years behind. Remember skeet? I still don’t know what the fuck that means, I am fucking white.

Do cell phones give you cancer? I hope not, cause I sit on the couch with 2 blackberrys on my lap!

Someone wanted me to talk about shaving balls. I do not know if that is an appropriate topic for all my readers, but I must say, a courtesy trim never hurt anyone...i am looking at everyone here.

I went to Hollywood last Friday, I was there for about 3 min and I ran into Rob and Big, no lie, it was funny, black Esco and all. Now I just wish I was cool enough to get past “What up Rob?” “Nothing” “Cool”.

Just when I had a good rant about how the new American Gladiators got cancelled, boom! There a new episode is on tonight…I did not watch, it is so bad. But I am hoping after this first episode of Nightrider, I will have a canceled show to laugh at.

How is it that old ladies are always prepared for flights, they come on with a super big purse and have enough food to keep the plane alive if we landed on an island. Checks-mix, hard candy, gum, candy bars, dried fruit, granola bars..i mean it is fucking insane what these old ladies are busting out, I swear I saw an old lady pull out a glazed ham the other day ….no lie.

I am watching all of the Bourne movies this week…they are goodness.

I wish babies and small children were able to be stowed away in the upper compartments or checked at ticketing. That would be sweet, there would be no crying babies on the plane and you would get to watch a turntable belt of kids just going around and sliding down chutes…

Please pay attention to the stewardess in the isle and look at the fold out in the seat back in front of you as we go through the safety features of this Boeing 737. You will notice there is 6 exits, 2 in front of the aircraft, 2 in back, and one on either side of the plane over the wings. You will also notice that if you are closest to these wing exits your life depends on the 55 year old drunk business man, or the 85 year old senile couple and their ability to open a large door which they have never had practice doing, assuming they are not overcome by fear and straight start stabbing people. In case of water landing your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device, we feel this is better to tell you than the plane will explode on impact, and those who manage to survive and float with their seat cushion will most likely drown or be eaten by sharks. We do not expect a change in cabin pressure, but if there is, oxygen masks will fall from above you, the bag will not inflate, but trust us, oxygen is flowing through them, this meaningless task is simply to distract you while you plummet to certain doom and we are jumping out of the plane with parachutes. We are about to take off, please make sure you are wearing your seatbelts, and your seat and tray tables are in the upright position, because if we are rear ended by another plane during take off you could be ejected through the windshield or get whiplash. Thank you for flying with us today, and enjoy your flight sitting between the smell fat guy and the foreigner who doesn’t speak English and appears to be praying the entire flight.

Listen to the following and you will suck 50% less:
Murder By Death
Heaven Shall Burn
August Burns Red

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