Are You Fucking Serious?

2/12/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I enjoy these, and if you do to, let me hear about it, I need some encouragement, or at least ideas of shit to bitch about. I am excited to say this is the first, completely reader generated Update. All topics were supplied by readers, I just applied my hatred to them.

Uggs, ladies…are you fucking kidding me? This is right the fuck up there with colored leggings (see last weeks update). You could be the hottest girl that has ever talked to me in a bar, and ask me to go home with you, and if you were wearing Uggs, I would seriously consider saying no. I am not even joking, it is like you stuffed your feet into 2 small penguin’s mouths and started walking around. FUCK those anger me.

It is snowing in the Midwest…a lot..in fact they say it is the most we have gotten in 29 years. That is a fucking lot of snow. Those who say the climate is getting warmer, come sit in fucking Chicago for a day. -25 degrees, are you fucking serious? Am I the only one who thinks snow should change color. How fucked would it be to wake up, roll out of bed, open the window, and see nothing but orange everywhere. What a mind fuck that would be.

Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Ok, I can kind of see how in ghetto language milkshake got its name…ha...ha…semen, milkshake….whatever, I can see a lot of thought went into that one. But bring to the yard…anyone? Anyone? And how does this shit get played on the radio… simple, cause white people are stupid, and learn what things mean like 2 years behind. Remember skeet? I still don’t know what the fuck that means, I am fucking white.

Do cell phones give you cancer? I hope not, cause I sit on the couch with 2 blackberrys on my lap!

Someone wanted me to talk about shaving balls. I do not know if that is an appropriate topic for all my readers, but I must say, a courtesy trim never hurt anyone...i am looking at everyone here.

I went to Hollywood last Friday, I was there for about 3 min and I ran into Rob and Big, no lie, it was funny, black Esco and all. Now I just wish I was cool enough to get past “What up Rob?” “Nothing” “Cool”.

Just when I had a good rant about how the new American Gladiators got cancelled, boom! There a new episode is on tonight…I did not watch, it is so bad. But I am hoping after this first episode of Nightrider, I will have a canceled show to laugh at.

How is it that old ladies are always prepared for flights, they come on with a super big purse and have enough food to keep the plane alive if we landed on an island. Checks-mix, hard candy, gum, candy bars, dried fruit, granola bars..i mean it is fucking insane what these old ladies are busting out, I swear I saw an old lady pull out a glazed ham the other day ….no lie.

I am watching all of the Bourne movies this week…they are goodness.

I wish babies and small children were able to be stowed away in the upper compartments or checked at ticketing. That would be sweet, there would be no crying babies on the plane and you would get to watch a turntable belt of kids just going around and sliding down chutes…

Please pay attention to the stewardess in the isle and look at the fold out in the seat back in front of you as we go through the safety features of this Boeing 737. You will notice there is 6 exits, 2 in front of the aircraft, 2 in back, and one on either side of the plane over the wings. You will also notice that if you are closest to these wing exits your life depends on the 55 year old drunk business man, or the 85 year old senile couple and their ability to open a large door which they have never had practice doing, assuming they are not overcome by fear and straight start stabbing people. In case of water landing your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device, we feel this is better to tell you than the plane will explode on impact, and those who manage to survive and float with their seat cushion will most likely drown or be eaten by sharks. We do not expect a change in cabin pressure, but if there is, oxygen masks will fall from above you, the bag will not inflate, but trust us, oxygen is flowing through them, this meaningless task is simply to distract you while you plummet to certain doom and we are jumping out of the plane with parachutes. We are about to take off, please make sure you are wearing your seatbelts, and your seat and tray tables are in the upright position, because if we are rear ended by another plane during take off you could be ejected through the windshield or get whiplash. Thank you for flying with us today, and enjoy your flight sitting between the smell fat guy and the foreigner who doesn’t speak English and appears to be praying the entire flight.

Listen to the following and you will suck 50% less:
Caliban
Murder By Death
Heaven Shall Burn
Chimaira
August Burns Red
3

2/5/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T08:18:00.000-08:00

If I was a 17 year old girl, I would do everything to Ryan Sheckler…and I mean everything.

Ladies … colored leggings under skirts….no….read my lips…NO…seriously…NO!

Don’t worry, I have one for the dudes as well. Bandanas ….no. Not in your back pocket, not around your neck, not around your wrist or leg…unless you are a pirate, construction worker, or are from NJ, there is no need to ever wear a bandana.

What ever happened to Topenga from Boy Meets World? Last I remember she got fat. And what about Stephanie from Full House? Last I remember she did a porn.And what ever happened to Kelly from Saved by The Bell? Last I remember she was dead or some shit.

Rob and Big…I want that life…all of it…but i don’t want a big black guy, I want something crazy, like a sumo dude, and indian (feather not dot), or like a sweet spider monkey.

Making The Band 4 is on tonight. You think after the first 3 did not produce said “band”, they would have cut that shit.

Ladies…black, red, dark blue = attractive wear that shit
Ladies…spants, capris, sun pants = not attractive, do not talk to me

I got a sick SICK pair of Zoo Yorks in the mail today, so stoked.

I want a sponsor, like a ridiculous one, and would pimp that shit all over. On my shirts, hats, one the side of my car….everywhere. but it needs to be crazy…not a young brand, but something off the wall like Adult Depends, Anal Cream, Roach Houses, or Tide.

I don’t want to be a race car driver, I want to be a Race Car Passenger, and just bug the driver. Maybe you should slow down….make this left….you sure do like Tide…

Pirates of the Caribbean 3, I have never been so un-entertained by big name actors.

Coming up next week for shows, All That Remains, Chimaira, Dead To Fall, Emmure, Darkest Hour, Whitechapel, amoung others….so stoked.

Listen to these bands this week, and you may not only find a new band, you may actually gain some credibility:
Dream Theater
Opeth
Between The Buried and Me
The Red Chord
In Flames

1/28/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T08:14:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I wasn’t going to do this tonight…that is until I just saw what I saw. It was a commercial for another dance movie for black people. I thought with the upcoming “how she move” movie, I thought our quota for bad dance movies was met for the year already, but I was wrong. The visual debacle knows as “Step Up 2” will now be hitting theatres. For one, I did not know there was a “Step Up 1”, two, after the glairing failure of “Bring it on Again” , “Stomp the Yard”, and “Drumline” you would think the people creating this shit would wise up, or get hit by a train…something….

It was my birthday last week, so Saturday I went out…I …got…out…of…control.

Superbowl is this weekend..and I say, who gives a fuck, the game is gonna suck, but I have high hopes for the commercials

I just ordered a sick pair Zoo York shoes.

So I spent Saturday night with some friends, and some people I just met. I am not sure how I feel about being with people that think they are too good for a punk rock bar….as if everything needs to be maid with glass, people need to have ties, and no neck tattoos. And last time I checked motorcycles and skulls is very fashionable…

I may…or may not have…puked Saturday night…several times…in the front lobby of a really high class building…in front of the door man…in the big turnstile door….like I said….maybe..or maybe not

I think I would make a good father…especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Dane Cook…kind of funny, but not really anymore, everyone likes him, which automatically makes him less cool.

I may or may not have fell into a bunch of glasses…stacked on the bar, and smashed like 20 of them…maybe…maybe not

I have made a small list. If a girl can check off everything on this list, she may be my dream girl…but I have yet to meet a 5 checker
1) Likes beer
2) Can watch Star Wars movies and not be bored
3) Likes metal
4) Can go 2 days without talking to me, or does not freak out if they do not hear from me every 6 hours
5) Agrees the following things suck: Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Radiohead, The Office, old people, babies, guacamole, and dirty white shoes

Check these bands out, and suck less:
Heaven Shall Burn
Caliban
Maroon
In Flames
Dead to Fall

1/22/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

Well…. It is my birthday in 2 hours. I continue to support the idea that after 21, every birthday just gets more and more depressing. I am getting old. I am a quarter centaury old, or as I see it, 50% of my life is over. Yeah, I can’t see living much past 50..lets be serious. They need to make birthday’s a little better after 21. Like when you turn 25 you get have a threesome, or when you turn 30 you get a free car, and 50 you get to spend a week on an island with a girl half your age…I mean lets get something to look forward to here.

Dead to Fall has a new song up on their MySpace, listen to it, it is amazing and funny, list en to Major Rager, and get like 1:40 in, I crack up everytime.

The Giants…. What can I say..they played better, The Packers did not play to their capacity…but let me says this, I hope New England (keep in mind I hate anything remotely related to Boston) walks in and wins by 50, breaks all of the offensive line’s legs, gives Eli a collapsed lung, and every Giants fan in AZ gets a DUI.

Emmure called and left a Voicemail of one of their new tracks from the studio….I pooped a little it was so good.

Football commercials have gotten lazy and do not entertain me anymore…Bud Light, American Express, NHL…where are all the good commercials??

It was cold this weekend….like really cold…. Fuck that

Cloverfield….not bad, when I left the theatre, I was not angry, I was not upset I spent 8 bucks for it…the shitty 7 dollar popcorn on the other hand made me irate.

Shoot ‘em Up…holy Christ…worst movie ever…like I mean bad…anyone remember American Movie…yeah, worse than that!

FUCK THE GIANTS

So my Playoff Beard is gone now, back to clean shaven baby face. I was just starting to like it too.

One last thought on Cloverfield….theoretically lets say a giant monster attacked my city, and theoretically the army could not stop this thing, and theoretically it was dropping mini monsters that ate people, I theoretically would not be filming shit, or worrying about anyone else not with me, I would be getting the FUCK OUT OF DODGE!!!

There is new Counting Crow songs up on their MySpace page, go check that shit out.

I looked at a new apartment today, it is way close to Downtown, it is disgustingly amazing. Like if you live there nothing but hot chicks, diamonds, and baked goods would fall from the sky for you.

Hellooooooooo…remember that Seinfeld, I love that shit.

Eli Manning is a fucking bitch!

Listen to the following and you will suck less:
With Blood Comes Cleansing
Emmure
Counting Crows
Arise and Ruin
In Flames
Rotting Christ

1/13/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T08:05:00.000-08:00

I almost didn’t write one this week….that was until I just saw the commercial for “How She Move”. Are you fucking kidding me! It is basically “Stomp the Yard” 2. I do not even have words to describe how much I laughed, I may have even pooped a little. I don’t understand how all these movies clearly aimed at African Americans revolve around barber shops, taking a black guy and putting him in a fat woman suit, or dancing. That seems fucked up to me, as if to say black people do not go to films with actual content. Although I suppose it is the equivalence, of Adam Sandler, Jackass, and anything Rob Snyder does for white people.

Packers….Fuck yeah
Giants…Fuck yeah
Chargers….Fuck yeah

My Saturday for the Packer Game1pm
– Get to Porch’s House2pm
– Get to Bar for game3pm
– Game is about to start, many large beers already gone5pm
– Pretty well on my way, Packers are winning5:05pm
– Thumb wrestle some random chicks5:06pm
– Win thumb wrestling7pm
– packers have won, wasted, on my way to Cobra8pm
– Eat dinner at cobra, shot, shot , shot9pm
– Passed out in my bed

So I made the smart decision to play Mario Kart against my roommate for money, but I unknowingly choose a slower car, needless to say, 100 games later I was down $177…it was a long Friday night.

Brett Favre is awesome…end of story

My beard growing for the green and gold continues….it is getting pretty far out there.

Terminator: The Sara Suck Chronicles….what a joke, they keep bringing all this shit back, Gladiators was a let down, and now they are bringing back Night Rider. If I have to see one more reality show about dating or being a model I swear I will start blowing shit up.

60 degrees in January..and now for the first time ever it snowed in Bagdad…I have never been behind the whole Global Warming thing…but something is fucked up right now… I like to tell myself the earth goes through massive cycles, which is true, but the way the shitty drivers in Chicago drive with a little snow, I can only imagine how the people who have never seen snow drive when a few flakes land. I imagine trucks (and tanks) careening into buildings and running over infants.

As much as I like Peter Frampton, I often wonder how he was just sitting around one day and goes, “I want to play guitar through my mouth” and then I feel bad for the roadie who he goes to and says “dude, I want to play guitar through my mouth…make it happen”

Hint – Baby Mario + Turtle with wings + green shell car = winning combo

Cloverfield….what the fuck is it…I am standing by my Godzilla prediction…. And if the movie sucks I am going to be way bumbed out!

My birthday is in a week. I will be officially old.

Things that everyone likes but I think is lame:
James Bond Movies
Nirvana
The Office
Babies and old people

Listen to the following and suck a little less:
Farewell to Freeway
Cannibal Corpse
Behemoth
Jefferson Airplane

1/6/08 Sunday Thoughts Reader Comments...

2008-02-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

I watched American Gladiators tonight, as I was obsessed with the original and am extremely susceptible to shitty programming. A few thoughts...

A) Hulk Hogan works as one of the hosts, but the other host sucks. I think its Muhammad Ali's daughter? Her voice is deeper than mine and her arms are as big as my legs. I would rather see a mindless hot chick that at least allows me to visualize the unspeakable deeds I would perform on her behind closed doors. If not a hot chick, a washed up has-been NFL player would work as well...preferably someone with a serious drug habit that needs cash.

B) I want to have sex with Crush...even though my penis would be no match for her muscular vagina.

C) What's with the homo-erotic uniforms some of the gladiators are wearing? I prefer some uniformity when it comes to uniforms. Hence the similarity in the two words uniform and uniformity. Go back to the old-school shit...decked out wrestler singlets. Also,the islander gladiator's traditional garb looks about American as Alanis Morissette.

D) All of the male competitors are monster tools. These are the guys that put control paste in their hair and cologne on their classic wife beater before they work out. I guarantee Nickelback is bumping on their iPod while they are "totally blasting their pecs."

E) The female competitors compelled me to start a large campaign to end women's suffrage. If being annoying resulted in extra points, some of these women would have a substantial head start on the Eliminator.

F) Wolf is awesome. I can't help but think they give him massive loads of HGH during set changes...also, I think I saw him eat like 4 babies during the ladies jousting competition. I am sure he is some washed-up pro wrestler that can't hold a steady job, but he is the only gladiator with real character, and he is a classic tribute to the supreme shit-bags like Nitro and Malibu that littered the original series. This show was known for bad hair back when bad hair was a way of life...but Wolf's split ends, poor hygiene, and abysmal grooming is a timeless tribute to Malibu's much coveted permed-mullet.

1/6/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

SO I am watching the new American Gladiators. Now, I love this show, but the new version is yet to impress me. With names like Wolf, Crush, Malitia, and so forth, I am a little down there is no Nitro, Pyro, or Blaze. Which makes me wonder, where are those American Gladiators from 20 years ago. Do you think there friends still call them Nitro or whatever there names were. Cause that would be a little lame.

If I was the asian kid in Captain Planet that got “heart” I would be fucking pissed

I am thinking about filling my roommate’s bodywash bottle with Rogain to see what will happen.

Congrats to Seattle, they get to get their asses kicked by the pack next Saturday at 3:30.

This American Gladiators has a lot of talking and shout outs to their family and bullshit…I tuned in for violence…I want to see bones broken…none of this good sportsman ship bullshit…this should be like high school football, if you come out of the Joust with a smile on your face after losing you get smacked in the face!

PS – Crush is the hottest chick…Golgatha is gigantic and would Crush me!

My roommate got his ass kicked this weekend, and I thought I was the out of control one.

I laugh at homeless people sometimes, especially while they are singing and shit by my car. But I also feel bad when I think how much that would suck to be in there situation, but then I stop caring again and go do something that involves money and food… sucks to be them.

Shout out to my boy C.O. from Vegas for hooking it up with Nintendo, much Mario Kart will be played!

Your local band sucks! So please don’t ask me to watch them.

The Biggest Loser. What a stupid fucking show. I don’t care if you are fat, I don’t care if you are trying not to be fat, so why the fuck would I want to watch you and your 600 pounds run a mile and then weigh yourself in front of a panel. If you feel bad for being fat and don’t like people judging you, why the fuck would you do it on network TV.

I am still growing my beard; I am not shaving until the Packers lose. It is the longest I have ever grown it.

American Gladiator is really starting to piss me off. All this good spirit sucks. And this just in the really black guy’s name is Knight….no pun intended I am sure.

Listen the following, you might suck less:
Red I Flight
D 12
The Funeral Pyre
With Blood Comes Cleansing
Justin Timberlake
Counting Crows

1/1/08 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

Well it is a new year…as if that really means anything. All this means is that for the next month everything I sign and date will have an 07 scribbled out and an 08 after it.

You know that song from Green Day...Holiday...that song fucking sucks.

Christmas was good. I didn’t get socks, so that is cool, but I did get Planet Earth, the documentary from the BBC, this nature show on steroids is the fucking shit! Other than that I got some cash, a sweatshirt…..and o yeah, the birth of our savior. So all and all, a good year.

Mass texts on holidays…..STOP FUCKING DOING THAT! If I was depressed during the holiday seasons, all the commercials about family and cheer would bum me out more.

Forget Marylin Manson, Heavy Metal, Videao Games, and Movies for violent messed up people. I blame Kay Jewlers, Coca-Cola, Mercedes, and all the other companies that promote “holiday cheer”.

Speaking of which, who the fuck buys someone a car for Christmas…holy fuck do I want to live in that family…I know, I know, rich people right…well fuck them, quit wasting my commercial time with the commercials then. I would guess that all the people watching UFC and FOX are not wealthy or going to buy someone a car.

This past weekend was my sports weekend. I went to see the Admirals play Chicago in Milwaukee on Friday night (hockey). I then went to the Green Bay/ Lions game on Sunday. Packers won of course, and I would have to say Porch, Dozer, X Man, Vince, and I tailgated the fuck out of that game! Today I just watched Wisconsin loose to Tennessee, which was a downer.

I didn’t go out for New Years…I know right, we sat in, drank, watched Discovery Channel, and that is about all. Why? New Years is amateur night. All these fucks who never drink and can not handle their booze go out, put on hats and start getting in fights and puking everywhere. That is a Thursday night for the people I hang out with! I just didn’t want to deal with it.

I have found the older I get, the easier it is to talk younger people into anything.

Korbel brandy makes me have really fucked up dreams. On the up side I am pretty sure I dreamed the next huge blockbuster, it is a mix of Godfather and The Matrix but 100 times better. On the down side I was to lazy to take notes when I woke up and can not remember a god damn thing now.

If there is anything I hate more than Christmas music, it is Christmas commercials. Someone want to tell my where the fuck a bunch of penguins got a bottle of coke, and how did the bear get it open! And if he did drink it, I am pretty sure it would be puking all over.

I am not shaving again until the Packers loose. I already have a pretty good shag going, so this should be interesting because I can’t grow a good looking beard if I tried.

What the fuck Giants…you almost beat The Patriots….try harder!

I have found the only people who dislike me more than the people that have a right to dislike me…are their sisters.

Listen to the Following or your 2008 will suck:
Johnny Cash
All That Remains
Dead to Fall
Between The Buried And Me
Cannibal Corpse
Jay Z
Murder By Death
Tool
Led Zeppelin
DG

12/26/07 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

I just watched 28 Weeks Later, and I am drunk, so I have a lot of really random things this week.Like....ok, I am sorry, but if a whole area becomes infected with a virus that makes everyone turn into blood thirsty zombies and has no cure, you better believe we are nuking that whole mother fucker…. no quarantine, no army, just a whole lot of fast planes and big bombs…. PETA can eat it, everything living is going the fuck down…

Christmas was good, drank with my family like usual, I got a bunch of lottery tickets, and won $4, but I can’t complain…I also got a bottle of Captain, a sweet Wisconsin hoodie, and Planet Earth DVD’s, and if you have not seen this BBC/Discovery Channel special, you need to get on the nature train.

What the FUCK happened to the Packers this past Sunday!!! FUCK!!!..I am going to the Lion’s game this weekend, so Favre better put on a show…

Remember R.E.M and that one good song they had, I like that song…..

People wonder, if my loved ones turned into zombies….could I actually kill them?....Fuck yes I could, they are fucking zombies people…. Sorry Uncle Chuck, you are about to fucking bite my face off….boom, shotgun to the head..(cause that is the only real way to kill zombies)

I decided this weekend I need to drink less…I will keep you up to date on how that is going.I also decided I am going to look for a something a little more permanent on the girl front, lately I just don’t care…as in I go to the bars and would rather talk to Porch than girls… I just don’t want to put the time in anymore…maybe I am just lazy.

Not even kidding, at the Dead to Fall show this Friday i almost got shanked walking 1 block to the venue, I pissed off a whole car of black dudes, I have no idea why, we were in the ghetto...and not the area white people call the ghetto, like the place even gang dudes don't want to go....O welll, Dead to Fall killed, I didn't get knifed, and my car didn't get jacked, so fuck it....

I played with my cousins kids this weekend at Christmas, I decided that I want to have a boy, that is over 5 years old, so I can teach him cool shit, like skateboarding, hating soccer, why Star Wars is cool and Star Trek is for fags, football, and death metal.

Zombies should be slow moving brain eaters….not fast moving blood drinkers….sorry 28 days/weeks later people, do you’re fucking homework!!!

New Years in Chicago is still on, everyone is invited.

I saw Spitalfield’s last show this past Sunday, I may have almost cried…what about it, I really liked those dudes, and Mark was a great dude and nice to me. They played WSUP’s 40th birthday party in Platteville, and I loved some of their shit

.Brett Favre….lets step it up. There will be a large group of us tailgating in Green bay this weekend, if you are around, stop in for some free brats.

I need to get laid…

Brandy and coke =Good
Captain and coke = Great
Brandy and coke and then Captain and coke = Amazing

I agree with the writers, they deserve money for thier work via internet and DVD sales, but start writing again....fuck, i can only watch the same SVU so many times...

Listen to this shit or I will beat you with a rubber hose...
Spitalfield
All That Remains
Five Pointe O
Dead To Fall
DG

12/17/07 Sunday Afternoon Random Thoughts

2008-02-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

Remember that kid on Married With Children, his name was Seven, and he lasted for like fucking 1/2 a season, or the kid and aunt on Family Values the dropped off the face of the earth, or when Becky from Rosanne left and then came back and was a different person...that shit is stupid, fuck those shows.

Remember that song that had that chica-cherry-cola part in it? That song sucked.

I went back to my college this weekend. I drank...a lot. I also went 12-1 in Beruit (beer pong for you wierd people). I met a nice girl and hung out with her 2 days in a row.....danced with her, sang karaoke with her, gave her my shirt when she was cold....and...not even a kiss...o, and to top it off, didn't even get my brand new shirt back!

Women...you suck, stop stealing dudes shirts, it has been a social problem since the dawn of time, I am missing no less than a dozen of my favorite hoodiesRememeber that band Aqua and that guy Lou Bega....They fucking sucked.

How about those Packers? How about those Cowboys? How about those Dolphins? It was a pretty sweet Sunday of football.

Beer + Jager + house party + All that Remains DVD = Preppy little girls and boys freaking out at the metal dudes hardcore dancing in the basement.

I have yet to go Christmas shopping. Which reminds me I FUCKING HATE CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!! FUCK!!!! Until i hear a Slayer or Lamb of God Christmas song, and it is not about sleighs, or bells, or snow, I will contine to hate it. What about all the people that freeze to death in the cold weather, the old people that fall on the ice, the people that have no one and hate life during the holidays....lets hear a fucking Christmas song for them!

I think (I say think, becasue I have yet to really decide) I find bull ring piercings on hot girls....well..hot.

I decided that if the Spice Girls played a show near me, I would go.

When are we going to get another Will Smith record?

Listen to this shit...seriously, fucking Google these bands right now!!!
With Blood Comes Cleansing
Rick Ros
Whitesnake
Dead To Fall (I get to see them Friday!!!!)
Spitalfield (Thier last show EVER is this Sunday in Chicago, see you there!)

Fuck the New York Giants

2008-01-21T07:23:00.001-08:00

Eli Manning will end February 3rd in tears.

The Giants are about as exciting as stale rice cakes. The Packers will be a hungry, Favre fueled ass kicking machine next year. Watch out.

Bubb's Top of 2007

2007-12-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

Finally here are my top lists from 2007. I did not give a little explanation for each because I already have been working on this forever, and I need to move on with life, if you don;t understand why something is awesome on my lists you are an idiot and we should not be friends. IF you have a problem with anything I considered released in 2007, think it was a stupid spot for something or disagree with this, you can go fuck yourself…yep…do it. This is MY list, go ahead and judge me, but if you read this with an open mind, and check out a band or movie on any of my lists that you have not I guarantee you will like it. I look forward to seeing your lists and telling you why your favorite stuff is not good. Enjoy.

Top 25 Favorite Albums Released in 2007

25. Arsonists Get All the Girls – The game of Life (Century Media)
24. Poison The Well – Versios (Ferret)
23. Caliban – The awakening (Century Media)
22. Fear My Thoughts – Vulcans (Century Media)
21. Deadlock – Wolves (Lifeforce)
20. Led Zeppelin – Mothership (Atlantic)
19. Dark Tranquility – Fiction (Century Media)
18. The Funeral Pyre – The Nature of Betrayal (Prosthetic)
17. Kanye West – Graduation (Roc-A-Fella)
16. Counting Crows – August and everything after DELUXE EDITION (Geffen)
15. The Red Chord – Prey For Eyes (Metlablade)
14. Emmure - Goodbye to the Gallows (Victory)
13. Beneath the Massacre – Mechanics of Dysfunction (Prosthetic)
12. Machine Head – The Blackening (Roadrunner)
11. Despised Icon – The Ills of Modern man (Century Media)
TOP 10…..
10. Carnifex – Dead in My Arms (This City is Burning)
9. Bayside – The Walking Wounded (Victory)
8. Jay Z – American Gangster (Roc-A-Fella)
7. The Autumn Offering – Fear Will Cast No Shadow (Victory)
6. Ion Dissonance – Minus The Herd (Abacus)
5. Darkest Hour – Deliver Us (Victory)
4. As I Lay Dying – An Ocean Between Us (Meltablade)
3. Whitechapel – A Somatic Defilement (S.O.A.R.)
2. August Burns Red – messengers (Solid State)
1. Between The Buried And Me – Colors (Victory)

Top 10 Shows Attended in 2007
10. Bayside/Sleeping/A Day To Remember – Chicago, IL (November 29th)
9. Emmure/Sleep Serapis Sleep – Milwaukee, WI (November 23rd)
8. All That Remains/Misery Signals/The Human Abstract – Chicago, IL (February 16th)
7. The Faint – Chicago, IL (May 21st)
6. Misery Signals/The Agony Scene/Emmure – West Dundee, IL (October 14th)
5. As I Lay Dying/All That Remains- Chicago, IL (November 19th)
4. New England Metal & Hardcore Festival – Worcester, MA (April 27th-28th)
3. MetalBlade 25th Anniversary show- Chicago, IL (September 29th)
2. Warped Tour - Ventura, CA (June 30th)
1. Rage Against The Machine/Wu Tang/ Cypress Hill/ Mos Def/ Public Enemy – NYC, NY (August 24th)

10 of My Favorite DVD Movies/TV to DVD from 2007

10. Transformers
9. Knocked Up
8. Lord of War
7. Shooter
6. Blood Diamond
5. Alpha Dog
4. Metalocolypse
3. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 1&2)
2. Super Bad
1. The Departed

Things in 2007 That Made it Worth Living

House MD (tv)
At The Gates announcing reunion shows
Planet Earth (BBC series)
Mike Rowe (everything he does)
Rage Against The Machine
Law & Order: SVU (tv)C.S.I (Original…. Las Vegas, not that Miami bullshit) (tv)
Adult Swim (tv)
Justin Timberlake (music/movie/love)
Between The Buried and Me (music)
Cheddar CheeseFamily Guy (tv)
Packer FootballCobra Lounge (Bar)
Tuna Sub special at Subway
All That Remains (music)
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (tv)
How I Met Your Mother (tv)
Porn

Biggest Cluster Fucks/Let Downs of 2007

Smokin' Aces (movie)
A life Once Lost - Iron Gag (album)
TI – TI vs TIP (album)
Pig Destroyer – Phantom Limb (album)
The Contract (movie)
The entire year of "American Dad"
Smashing Pumpkins – Zeitgeist (album)
Ozzfest (festival)
Hot Fuzz (movie)
JOBFORACOWBOY (album)
Haste the Day's New Singer

Love
Bubb

Vinny's Top 25 Albums of 2007

2007-12-05T19:48:00.000-08:00

TOP 25 ALBUMS OF 2007

It’s already the end of 2007…wasn’t the world supposed to end seven years ago? And isn’t that a moot point anyway because the guy who established our current calendar system miscalculated Jesus’ birth by some number of years so our calendar is off anyway? Whatever, that’s not the point. Here are my top 25 albums of 2007. I’m a metal dude, but there are some non-metal ones in here as well. I hope you enjoy, and if you disagree with me, you’re wrong.

I’m counting down from 25, like a VH1 best of episode with out the shitty guest talent or commercials.

25. ANTIGAMA Resonance (Relapse)
Here’s another Relapse band that sounds like NO ONE else out there. It’s a fusion of industrial and grind like nothing I’ve heard before - and they’re out of Warsaw, Poland of all places. Resonance is one of the tightest sounding records of the year - I’d really like to see these guys live. I have no doubts that it’s like seeing Meshuggah; sure the record is awesome, but seeing it live is mind blowing.
http://www.myspace.com/antigama

24. SHIT OUTTA LUCK Family Tradition (Organized Crime)
This band is an audio bar fight. Five dudes playing a fusion of southern rock/metal and hardcore straight out of the beer capital of the US, Milwaukee, WI. There are a shit ton of lyrics that’ll stick in your head: “get outta my way frat boy!”, “I think that’s my drink son!”, “this ain’t my first rodeo son, I’ll beat my way outta this bar if I have to” - and that’s just in the final track on the cd, “Friday Night Fights”. To give you a good idea of the attitude of these guys - they’re like the metal version of David Allen Coe, the record even ends with a DAC quote. Turn this cd on when you’re drinking with friends and it’s sure to encourage drinking, rounds of shots, and fights. Good times.
http://www.myspace.com/milwaukeeslumcrew

23. THE OCEAN Precambrian (Metal Blade)
Shear brilliance. Two discs, songs named after different geologic periods, and enough instruments and musicians to fill a school bus. This band has flown under the radar in the US, mostly due to not having toured here quite yet. If you like your music spastic, cerebral, orchestral, artistic, melodic, and explosive - then check this out. (Think BTBAM sans the speed and irony)
http://www.myspace.com/theoceancollective

22. THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DEAD Malice (Prosthetic)
Sheer brutality. New vocalist Nate Johnson's vocals are ten tons of balls. The last record was good, this record is fucking fantastic. Through the Eyes has finally found their own sound. Listening to this cd is like listening to a 24 oz Porterhouse being shoved into your eye. It's THAT meaty. And the band brings it live - they crushed opening on the As I Lay Dying/All That Remains/Haste the Day tour this Fall.
http://www.myspace.com/tteotd

21. KING DIAMOND Give Me Your Soul…Please (Metal Blade)
I’ve never been a huge King Diamond fan…until I heard this cd. Sure the average metal kid of today might find his voice a little hard to swallow, or might even find some of the lyrics a little too obvious, but this guy is one of the reasons half the bands we listen to today are even around. The fact that he still can belt out metal vocals and write music in his 50s is phenomenal. Sure The Eagles, the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith and more are still around, but name one singer in any of those bands that is 1) actually good 2) can hit high notes like King. NO ONE.
http://www.myspace.com/kingdiamond
And King Diamond actually reads his myspace messages, what a guy, huh?

20. THE CHARIOT The Fiancée (Solid State)
The new record from the Chariot is one of the more cerebral records of the year. The packaging, lyrics, song titles, everything fits together. The music takes a little while to digest at times - but I like this. In a world of instant gratification and single song downloading, I like to see bands that put time and effort into creating an entire piece of art in a record. The song titles even read together as a sentence as you read them on the back over. Plus Josh Scogin is an incredibly entertaining live vocalist.
http://www.myspace.com/thechariot

19. ANIMOSITY Animal (Black Market Activities)
Animal is fast; one of the fastest albums of the year, both in speed and running time (11 songs clocking in at just under 30 min). These dudes know how to lay it down; the musicianship is far ahead of the curve compared to many of their peers. It’s not exactly hardcore, it’s not exactly death metal, it’s just a bad ass fusion of blast beats, groove, and some high flying guitar work.
http://www.myspace.com/animosity

18. MIDDIAN Age Eternal (Metal Blade)
Loud. Heavy. Doom. Mike Scheidt is the master of American doom, hands down. After the fall of YOB, Mike joined up with bassist Will Lindsay, and drummer Scott Headrick to form Middian. They’re everything that was great about YOB with some added upbeat tempos, tons of vocal variations, and guitar effects. The drumming is simply powerful; it’s tasteful. Songs like Dreamless Eye sound like the soundtrack to the post apocalypse. After listening to brees and breakdowns all day, Middian is a MUCH needed breath of fresh air.
http://www.myspace.com/middiandoom

17. RWAKE Voices of Omens (Relapse)
Relapse has a knack for finding bands like this. This is by far one of the most original sounding albums this year. The songs are long, but keep you interested with subtle hooks in the vocals and guitars. I can really only describe them as a doom/sludge metal band in the vain of YOB/Middian, with a hint of southern groove. This really hasn’t left my iTunes rotation since I picked it up back in February.
http://www.myspace.com/rwake

16. EVERGREEN TERRACE Wolfbiker (Metal Blade)
High energy, high impact, punk/rock/metal/hardcore. This cd has elements that’ll make kids mosh, circle pit, and sing along. This band has been around the block a few times and is credited with helping to create metalcore as a genre - even though they sound nothing like the metalcore bands out there today. They sound more like a punk band that got ran over by Pantera’s tour bus. If you’re having a slow morning, throw on Wolfbiker and you’ll get pumped up enough to fight a rhino, and win.
http://www.myspace.com/evergreenterrace

15. DARKEST HOUR Deliver Us (Victory)
These guys are pure fun. I saw them on the Strhess tour a while back in Milwaukee and they dedicated a song to PBR. Yes THE PBR. If you don’t know what PBR is, then go buy some. Delicious and thrify. Anyway, Darkest Hour slay, with tons of memorable riffs, great triplet fills in the drums/guitars, which allows the music to be fast as well as groovy and full of hooks. Plus the vocals don’t sound like anyone; when you hear Darkest Hour, you fucking know it’s Darkest Hour - which is a lot to ask in metal lately.
http://www.myspace.com/darkesthour

14. YEAR OF DESOLATION Year of Desolation (Prosthetic)
Holy shred Batman! Are you sick of the “scene”, sick of bands that just string breakdowns and gang vocals together for 3 minutes? Then check out Prosthetic’s Year of Desolation. These dudes do nothing but shred. It’s by far some of the best riffing and soloing I’ve heard on a cd in a LONG, LONG time. This cd was made for headbanging, mosh pits (sans the hardcore dancers), and plenty, I mean PLENTY of circle pits.
http://www.myspace.com/yearofdesolation

13. THE TONY DANZA TAP DANCE EXTRAVAGANZA Danza II: The Electric Boogaloo (Black Market Activities)
I’ve been a fan of these guys since their full length on Corrosive. With songs like Big Pun’s Not Dead I Just Saw Him at Krispy Kreme and Cliff Burton Surprise, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re in for something different. With Danza II, they went even FARTHER outside of the box and created a record that works almost like its own audio play or movie. The story revolves around a midget who goes to bar and just takes shit from everyone, before snapping and killing everyone with a chainsaw (which is one of the coolest sounding tracks on the cd). Listening to this band is pure fun - don’t over analyze it, just shut up and enjoy.
http://www.myspace.com/tonydanzatapdanceextravaganza

12. STRUNG OUT Blackhawks Over Los Angeles (Fat Wreck Chords)
My favorite thing about this band is that none of them have shitty hair. No hair over their cry eye, and no edge guys making everyone feel bad for being drunk. They’ve been around for what seems like forever and they still know how to make kick ass melodic, riff laden, punk rock. They bring it live.http://www.myspace.com/strungout

11. THE NETWORK This is Your Pig’s Portrait (Black Market Activities)
PISSED OFF. This band is incredibly pissed off, like good east coast hardcore should be. I’m not talking about Agnostic Front tough guy, I’m talking about spastic Converge style shit. When their new vocalist Mike joined the band, guitarist Pete asked him “what would you do if I hit you in the face on stage?” Mike replied, “I’d probably hit you back”. They haven’t looked back since. This band is the definition of DIY. Support this band, especially on the road.
http://www.myspace.com/thenetworkmetal

10. THE FUNERAL PYRE The Nature of Betrayal (Prosthetic)
Melodic black/euro rooted death metal at its finest. The atmospheric keys, fret melting guitar work, and punctuated, percussive vocals create an audio landscape that will actually leave you feeling slightly emotional. Check out Victims and you’ll hear what I’m talking about. I can’t wait to hear new stuff from this band…
http://www.myspace.com/thefuneralpyre

9. THE RED CHORD Prey for Eyes (Metal Blade)
“Where’s my fucking BBQ? I know you have it!” With lyrics like that, you know this cd is twisted. This is another release with art and packaging worth having - check out the story behind the lyrics and title in the sleeve. We should all know how ridiculous The Red Chord are, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you how bad ass the music is, just try me when I say it’s kick ass.
http://www.myspace.com/theredchord

8. BEHEMOTH The Apostasy (Century Media)
This band is the real deal. Like Hatebreed, they have a ridiculously strong work ethic and the BELIEVE in what they are doing. This is some of the darkest music you’ll hear all year. It’s black metal, but not BORINGLY black metal. There’s enough guitar work to keep even casual black metal fans interested and song titles that aren’t too over the top…unless you count Christgrinding Avenue…
http://www.myspace.com/behemoth

7. BAYSIDE The Walking Wounded (Victory)
This is another one of my non-metal guilty pleasures. Even though they aren’t metal, guitarist Jack O’Shea still shreds with solos that put some metal bands to shame. Anthony Raneri seriously writes some of the best lyrics I’ve EVER heard. They’re the most memorable, non cliché lyrics out there right now. And the vocals don’t sound like whiny emo garbage - they’re just right to sing along to. It’s good to see an honest, no bullshit rock band continue to do well. And none of them have overly shitty hair cuts (see: AFI).
http://www.myspace.com/bayside

6. LIZZY BORDEN Appointment with Death (Metal Blade)
I never thought I would listen to a Lizzy Borden record so much. I can’t say I know a lot of Lizzy’s back catalogue - but now I WANT to. Appointment isn’t just a throwback to 80s sounding metal, it sounds modern. Lizzy seems to actually be getting better with age. Unlike some of his 80s peers, his voice is much more melancholy; less high pitched and abrasive. A slew of guest musicians play on the album, including Cory from Trivium, Dave from Y&T and MUCH more. There’s something about this cd that makes me smile as I sing along. It’s fun! Remember when music was supposed to be fun?
http://www.myspace.com/lizzybordenband

5. BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME Colors (Victory)
The highly anticipated follow up to Alaska delivered much more than anyone expected. BTBAM pretty much touched on every genre of music that a metal band can touch on in one record - and more. This is one of those cds where you’ll pick up something new that you missed on the previous listen. The songs are lengthy, but they move around enough to keep you more than interested. The lyrics are incredibly well thought out and if you take the time to figure out what they’re about, it only adds to the listening experience.
http://www.myspace.com/betweentheburiedandmeband

4. THE HANDSHAKE MURDERS Usurper (Goodfellow)
These guys don’t fuck around. Their music is polyrhythmic, groovy, and technical. They’ll go from groovy Meshuggah-esque rhythms straight into technical speed riffs with out hesitation. Somehow it works - the songs flow with out sounding like a cut and paste mess of tech. Tasteful. Check it.
http://www.myspace.com/thehandshakemurders

3. AS I LAY DYING An Ocean Between Us (Metal Blade)
The mighty As I Lay Dying; one of the few true metal powerhouses out there today, surprised the hell out of me with their latest. This is their 4th true full length. It’s common to see metal bands soften up with age in an effort to widen their fan base. Many of them alienate their former fans and fall into obscurity or even break up (see: Eighteen Visions). As I Lay Dying did the complete opposite. They recorded the most brutal, and SOMEHOW, most melodic record of their careers. When As I Lay Dying released the first single, Within Destruction, from the cd on their myspace, people ACTUALLY commented “omg where are the breakdowns?!??!” People are seriously that retarded. Well with An Ocean Between Us, As I Lay Dying didn’t reinvent the wheel, but they augmented their previous sound with more elements of thrash and much more high flying guitar work. And it WORKS.
I have another gripe with people who call As I Lay Dying a Christian band. None of their lyrics reference Christianity…so what makes them a “Christian” band? If a plumber came to your house and said he was Christian, would you call him a “Christian” plumber? No! As I Lay Dying is a metal band, so shut the hell up.
http://www.myspace.com/asilaydying

2. THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER Nocturnal (Metal Blade)
Critics have been saying this record is way better than the last album, which I don’t understand, because Miasma killer…maybe people didn’t want lyrics to stray away from horror themes? And anyone that calls Black Dahlia “core” should be shoveled into the furnace of a steam engine at full speed. The Black Dahlia Murder know what the fuck they’re doing - especially with new members in Bart (bass) and Shannon Lucas (drums). With a solid lineup, this band can do some damage. And Shannon Lucas can drum! Watching this guy play is not even fair.
http://www.myspace.com/blackdahliamurder

1. 3 The End is Begun (Metal Blade)
If you don’t know anything about 3, it’s time get to get your off your ass and catch up. Before you start throwing around comparisons to Coheed & Cambria, know that 3’s been around longer and Coheed used to open up for them. 3 are loosely called a progressive rock band. I say loosely because generally when you think progressive rock, you think of bands that play for themselves with less regard to writing catchy songs. 3 write songs that are musically intimidating, yet catchy enough for those who don’t know anything about music to enjoy. Joey Eppard’s voice gets compared to Claudio’s from Coheed, but is much more smooth and palatable. It doesn’t matter what crowd 3 plays in front of, they leave them speechless. They slayed at New England Hardcore & Metal Fest, they slayed on the road with Porcupine Tree, and they’ll slay next year on the Progressive Nation Tour with Dream Theatre, Opeth & Between the Buried and Me.
http://www.myspace.com/3

I liked a lot of records this year, so here are my honorable mentions:
Benea Reach - Monument Bineothan
Beneath the Massacre - Mechanics of Dysfuncion
Beyond the Sixth Seal - the Resurrection of Everything Tough
Cephalic Carnage - Xenosapien
Clutch - From Beale St. to Oblivion
Dark Tranquillity - Fiction
Dimmu Borgir - In Sorte Diaboli
Job for a Cowboy - Genesis
Primordial - To the Nameless Dead
Vital Remains - Icons of Evil

Craig's List

2007-12-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I am a dude, I like woman...a lot. Most of the time I am thinking "that chick is hot" "she is not hot" "I want to listen to Slayer" or "man am i fucked up". I like bars, and shows, and any other place I can find attractive people. But Craig's List...read this shit. If I think there is any chance my penis is ending up on the floor, I see no no possible reason to hook up with chicks from here:

post:
Casual encounters -
I need someone to write a 5 page paper on the pros and cons of global outsourcing so that I can paint my nails instead. Also, you could help me with another homework assignment if you'd be willing to let me take pictures of you shirtless, blindfolded, and smoking a cigarette with dotted lines indicating where to cut to remove your vital organs. P.S. I am hot. Thanks!

FUCK...come on, I don't thinks so....

and what about this one...

Hey I am Mandy. I am 25. I've heard great things about these personals & figured it couldn't hurt to put one of these things up just to find out what's out there. My hair is brown, I am 5'4 tall. I have nice 36 C breasts. If you contact me bear in mind that I'm not looking for a soul mate just friends and fuck buddies. If your interested contact me and I will respond with pictures of myself. I just did not feel comfortable posting them on here.

Let me translate that to regular people...hi, my name is Mandy, i have herpies, i love to get drunk and fuck a different dude every day. I love BJ's, HJ's, and ZJ's. Please shit in my mouth...

come on people, the internet is great, but put in some fucking effort.

...and if you are a hot single woman looking to hook up, i am 24, love music, and am very caring in bed...eamil me with pics.

Bubb

Sprint F-, Orbitz D

2007-11-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

Orbitz
Earlier this year, I booked a flight to Dallas from Milwaukee. Cheap flight, about $180, I was stoked. Then all of a sudden I got a job out in California and had to change the departure to leave from LAX. NEVER do this. It'll cost you at least $100 PLUS the price of the new ticket...it credits the price of the last ticket towards the new one...but still, didn't help much.

When I made the second transaction, I had to switch which card to use. The first card I used was an account I had closed, which was a debit card for the bank account I had in WI. I switched the info to a credit card then made the purchase. The on-line receipt for the purchase STILL HAD THE OLD CARD INFO. So I freaked out and called Orbitz because that account was closed. The woman at Orbitz assured me that it DID in fact charge the purchase to the new card, the site just did not update for some reason. Whew, that was close.

That was May '07.

Fast forward to November '07.

I got a call from Orbitz asking me what my dispute with the purchase was and that I had been credited around $250. First of all, I was not credited any money, I sure as hell would've noticed an extra $250 fucking dollars. Second of all, I never disputed anything. The guy at least was super cool about everything and gave me a direct number to reach him specifically, unlike most sterile corporate customer service centers where you get a different foreigner every time.

After some research through old statements and getting my old bank to e-mail me statements, which were hard to find seeing as the account had been closed for 8 months, I found out that Orbitz tried to charge that account even though they said they wouldn't. Interesting...
The bank actually disputed the charge so they could get their money bank...I guess the money was automatically withdrawn from somewhere? Hell if I know...

I looked through the bank statements and my credit cards statements and SHIT, I could NOT find the second transaction charge. I guess I didn't pay it...lame. I sent all the statements to Orbitz to prove that I didn't get credited $250 HOPING that they wouldn't notice that I never made a payment on the second transaction. The customer service guy noticed this...damnit.
Still he was cool about it, UNTIL I got an e-mail saying that an additional $75 was being charged by American Airlines for the dispute. Wait a minute. I didn't dispute anything, assholes!

Well this morning I had my final conversation with Orbitz, I won't have to pay that $75 (I didn't fuck up, Orbitz did), but I did pay the $250. And the guy even apologized for the Packers losing. So that gives Orbitz a grade of about a D. They were cool about everything and easy to talk to, which probably was because I didn't avoid their calls or e-mails.

Still this should NEVER have been an issue.

Sprint
SPRINT FUCKING SUCKS. END OF STORY.

I text a lot. I work a lot in loud environments where I can't hear anything. Mostly loud damn music. When I got my last bill, I had $20 in text overages, so I changed my plan on-line (which generally is instantaneous) to the unlimited texting plan. I did this at the end of October/beginning of November.

Well I got my bill today. $49.80 in texting overages. I called Sprint IMMEDIATELY. Who answers the phone? FUCKING SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. Strike one.

She asked me all the basic info to verify who I was. Then asked me for my six digit pin. Six digit pin, oh yeah I think I made one of those once...I can't remember. She put my hold. Awesome. Great. Best way to start a weekend, ever. Finally she came back and asked me my security question. I answered. Then she asked me to spell it out. It took me no less than 5 minutes to spell out my secret answer to her. She could NOT understand the letters I was saying, AT ALL. I usually try to be nice to customer service reps, but by then, I was fucking frustrated.

FINALLY we got to my issue at hand; the $138 phone bill. I explained the situation and she said that the unlimited plan was added to my account November 23rd. What? That's not when I added it. Not at all. She said there was nothing she could do about the charge. Strike two, YOU ARE A LIAR.

I INSISTED on talking to a supervisor; it took me 4 or 5 tries to get me to get her to go get a supervisor. She put me on hold. Fuck. Ten minutes later she came back and said the supervisor was on the other line. Her mistake - Giving me time to plan my next argument. I explained to her my work situation and why and when I made the changes and that changing the plan on-line is generally instantaneous. She said that I should have called to verify. I asked then why the hell is the on-line service offered if I'd have to call to verify the changes anyway? Her response? "Sometimes computers are not so perfect." What, like your comprehension of the english language? I laughed and literally said, "that's your answer? What I'm going to do now is go ahead and wait for the supervisor." On hold for the third time...

This hold only lasted for about 5 minutes. She came back and said the supervisor was still on with another customer. So I guess Sprint customer service only has one supervisor...hmmm. My persistance paid off (somewhat). She said she would APPLY for me to get a $20 credit on my next bill. She couldn't guarantee that it would even happen, but this is still STRIKE THREE. SEE, I said she was fucking lying about not being able to do anything. How can a customer service representative not provide customer service?

So I owe sprint $130 something and paid Orbitz $250. What a day. Rent is next. And you know what? I still can't buy booze, my CA license has yet to come in the mail...

FUCK CALIFORNIA

Things from my neighborhood.....

2007-11-27T20:34:00.000-08:00

As some of you might know i currently live in Chicago. The Logan Square neighborhood specifically. Well, after being here for about 8 months i have seen several amazing things. Thus, i begin:

A girl got hit by a garbage truck right by my house since she was talking on a cell phone while riding a bike. she died. Who the hell talks on a cell phone while riding a bike. AND how hard is it to miss a garbage truck. its fucking huge! The funniest part is that the shrine that was set up in the median was also ran over a few days later and flattened.....funny.

The other day i also had the pleasure of seeing a truck with, count them......ten exhaust tips. Yes, folks, there were ten. not 4, not 6, but 10. Mind you this was on a rusty mid-80s pickup. if it had been a mid-90s camaro, then maybe.... The best part was that only six were actually hooked to exhaust pipes, the other four were WELDED TO THE BUMPER. I dont care how ghetto your ass is, you have to realize thats retarded.

Im not even going to mention how many virgin mary's ive seen on cars.......

I think the best was the transexican. This was the first month i lived in my apartment. i was coming home and i saw someone walking on the sidewalk in front of my building. picture this average sized person, brown shirt and skirt, pink fishnets, and a full beard.... i literally almost had an accident because i was gaping like a slack jawed yokel. I later mentioned what i saw to one of the other guys in my building and he informed me that i had indeed seen the transexican. i was straight before, but seeing that made me uber-straight. i went home and ate raw beef while hanging sheetrock just to compensate.

this is just some of the shit that happens to me in the city. fuck you.

Porch -

Limp Bizkit Ruined "Faith" For Me..

2007-11-27T17:21:00.000-08:00

This has been pissing me off for more years than I care to remember: bands or musical artists that remake a song and call it there own. Or at least make no mention of the previous composers' name and hope that no one notices that their no talent ass couldn't put three power chords and some sappy lyrics together. How god damned difficult is it to write a fucking song that you have to steal someone else's? Here's a brief list of travesties perpetrated by no talent ass clowns:

1. The gold medal...Madonna redoing "American Pie" by Don McClean. This might be the biggest load of shit that ever came out of a woman's asshole...well at least until 2 girls one cup. American Pie may be the single greatest song in history and that whore unzipped her pants, squatted, and bent a fresh biscuit over the airwaves. And what's worse, when it came out, I kept hearing people talk about how great the new Madonna song was. Hey England, you can keep her. We'll gladly trade her for Posh Spice and her fine ass.

2. "I want you to want me," originally done by Cheap Trick and now...Lindsay Lohan. I refer you to the earlier comment..."how god damned difficult is it to write a song?" This is the simplest song since "mary had a little lamb." And once again, this talentless rusty tromboner comes along and steals it.

3. "Do ya think I'm sexy", originally done by Rod Stewart and redone by...wow...Paris Hilton. Don't even get me started on this waste of boobs.

4. "Satisfaction", originally done by the rolling stones, redone by the 2006 Hazzard County Fair hog queen, Britney Spears. Haven't you done enough Britney? I mean come on. Keith Richards heard this and fell out of a coconut tree, he was so distraught.

5. "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath," originally done...if I have to tell you, fuck off. This title track was redone by quite possibly one of the worst bands ever...The cardigans. Remember? Pixie type blonde from somewhere in Europe. Anyways, I saw them open up for The Bosstones. They had the fucking nerve to end their set with this song. Are you fucking serious? I've never seen so many dudes throw away beer. Bottles came from everywhere! Listen, how retarded are you that you'd play a cover from the sickest band ever in front of a crowd like this? Leave Sabbath alone unless you've done a line of blow off a hobo's ass.

Feel free to add some of your own

BY: J McGraw

Budgeting 101

2007-11-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

So now that I'm an adult and I'm learning how to "budget" my money, grocery shopping is something that has become a big part of my life. I do not enjoy grocery shopping at all, actually I hate it! Let me tell you why! Last week I bought knock off cereal, yes the cheap shit. I bought the cheap shit because it was like 3 dollars cheaper then my favorite stuff. When your an adult you are supposed to realize these things (saving money and cutting corners is a good thing). Well I love cereal and every time I eat a bowl of Cookie Crisp as an adult, it takes me back to when I was little kid and cereal was like the best thing about getting up in the morning. So as I stand at the check out line and the lady scans my newly purchased box of "chocolate swirly cosmic o's" I suddenly feel a piece of my child hood being ripped away from me....Not only did the cereal taste like shit, it came in a smaller box, so I ended up letting the shit go stale and ended up throwing it in the trash. So in the end I didn't save a damn penny because I wasted the whole box. This seems like a cruel joke of "welcome to the real world"

Fuck New Flavors

2007-11-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

I like Sun Chips...a lot. I am into the Cheddar ones. Well... leave it to Sun Chips to copy Doritos and come out with some limited time flavors to test the waters. God must have been out of the office on this one, cause I happened to fuckin' walk into a grocery store where they had some. I saw them Cinnamon flavored ones and thought to myself, "I bet it tastes just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch and I am into that!" So I bought a bag, went home, started watching some Family Guy and ate a good portion of the bag. They tasted ok, I had nothing against them, but an hour later I felt like I had a fucking badger in my lower intestines trying to claw it's way out. I felt like I had to shit and puke at the same time, all while contracting Ebola from a Saigon whore. It is now 24 hours later and I am just starting to feel better. But here is the fucking kicker, you know I am going to fucking eat the rest of that bag, I ain't throwing shit away! Or maybe I'll let them sit in my kitchen until Vince comes over drunk and wants a snack.

Speaking of chips, I puked in a Doritos bag this weekend, and comically the room fell silent and all you heard was a drunk fuck say " Awwww, I was going to eat those."

Ways NOT to get your song played on the radio

2007-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

So our age group doesn't typically listen to the radio (we're talking 18-27 here). We are more of the I-Pod age sure, but every once in a while, when the batteries go dead and there is no charger in site, and there we are, with the FM dial to work with. So you find a station that's decent, not too many commercials, mildly entertaining jock, and music that may not be your normal cup of tea, but will do. Then suddenly you hear it..."Call 555-5555 to hear your song" What the hell, nothing to loose right? If you dial those fateful request line numbers, keep these things in mind:

1- IF you don't hear the song in the first ½ hour, you're probably not gonna hear it. It can be for many reasons, the jock doesn't have time, has that artist coming up anyway/just played that artist, they just forgot, or if the DJ decides that if they hear that song one more time, they are gonna rip the fucking speakers out the wall.

2 - IF you call again within the hour... The DJ will recognize your voice, especially if you ask for the same song....congratulations, you are now a douche bag, Don't expect your song to be played for the rest of the night...UNLESS one of the reasons listed in #1 is no longer the reason and the jock is in a good mood...but your still a douchebag.

3 – It's been over an hour...you're still listening, and you still haven't heard the song? IF you call again and request the same song (chances are with a negative tone), congratulations, you are a prick and have been blacklisted. Don't expect to hear your song for at least 2 days...despite any reason for not playing it to begin with, the DJ is officially annoyed with you, and you are shit out of luck.

4 – What the fuck? It's been like, 2 hours and I still haven't heard it? Buy the CD buddy. IF you dare call again, not only will you be blacklisted from whatever show you were listening to, but probably the one after it too..."Hey...just so you know, there's a prick who keeps calling...." And you are now officially an Asshole. Your friends, providing you have any, are also assholes for associating with you at this point

5 – Don't you dare do it...do not call to bitch and ask "Why haven't I heard my song?" While the main reason is probably found in #1, which is an answer you will probably get, but the fact is, you now have annoyed the fuck out of the DJ, and it will be at least a month before they will play the song, providing you don't call again. And what the hell are you still doing just sitting and waiting for your song? If you are working...get back to work! If you are sitting alone...waiting for the song, you are one creepy mother fucker and would get better luck with your right hand. Even if you are driving...come on dude, pay attention to the road...Don't be the fucking douchebag who annoys us at work.

The Definition of Request - to ask (a person) to do something....it's not a fucking demand asshole

Guest Ranter
Laura

The state of California doesn't want me to buy booze

2007-11-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

I had a long hard day at work, and I'm out of booze (it was my 23rd birthday this past weekend). I went to the local Ralph's to buy some Captain Morgan's delicious god damned rum. I was denied.

Here's the back story.
I gave into this shit hole of a state a week ago when I went to apply for my California license. I'd hate to be shit out of luck when some foreigner year ends me in a year down in Hollywood and oh FUCK, still have a WI license. So anyway, I took the 36 or so question exam, got 3 wrong. Awesome I passed. Whatever. I ASSUMED I was going to get my new damn license, just the way it happens in Wisconsin. "Oh you need a new ID? Sick *takes picture*." Bam, 10 minutes later, a shiny new ID.

Well that's NOT how it works in California. I should have guessed there would be bullshit; which is the primary export of this piece of flame ridden garbage of a state. The whore at the counter took my Wisconsin license and PUNCHED A FUCKING HOLE IN IT RIGHT OVER MY BIRTH DATE. Then she printed out a ratty piece of paper, gave it to me, and said "your new license will be in your mailbox in two weeks."

I was horrified and speechless. I KNEW that the shitty piece of paper wouldn't hold up. It did for a while. It worked at several bars in Hollywood (the bars thought my hole punched ID was good enough), and it even worked at the Down show on Friday. Did it work at Ralph's Foods? FUCK NO!

While I was being denied the woman had the balls (to match her moustache) to tell me that the piece of paper would probably work if I got pulled over. So the piece of paper certified and printed by the DMV is good enough for the LAPD but not good enough for Ralph's? What a joke!

I'm still waiting for my new ID.

Add Me As Your Friend!

2007-11-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

Bubb:

I am 24, I shouldn't give a fuck about MySpace, but i am single and enjoy tits. So I go through the same process every day and it always goes the same;

1) Nice! new friends, i will see who it is and add/deny them
2) Wow! look how hot this slut is! *click profile*
3) Fuck! she is fake and will just spam the shit out of my profile
4) Deny, and feel let down she wasn't real.
5) Repeat

But the thing is you have to check every time, because if one of these chicks with the name "seduce me" or "violet" or "cum crazy" is actually real and for some reason wants to be my friend, because maybe she just moved to Chicago, wants to make some new friends to go to shows with, hang out, watch the Discovery Channel, and maybe even decided to stop being a slut and wants to settle down with an average height, weight challenged, low income guy. And because I friended her, I might be that guy....or maybe she just wants me to join some dating site so I can see her "naughty pics"....either way, I can't take the chance of missing out on that.

Getting shot down via inter web makes my dick smaller than whiskey...

Destiny's Child

2007-11-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

Vince:

LEMME UP GRADE! NO. Why the hell is Beyonce selling DirecTV? Has anyone seen this fuckin' commercial? In a nutshell, it's Beyonce with some "crew"dancing behind her with her singing creative lyrics like "lemme upgrade" and ahh, umm, no that's it. Those are the only lyrics.

Then Beyonce tells you all the great benefits of switching to HD DirecTV like…I don't even remember, I was to angry screaming WHY THE FUCK IS SHE ON THIS COMMERCIAL?!?!

The music isn't even good for R&B. It's shitty, like BAD. REALLY BAD.Plus it has something makes my blood fucking boil. A RANDOM WHISTLE BLOW. This (keep in mind I'm NO R&B/latin/dance expert) is relatively common place in this type of music. But since when has a whistle added to a song? What producer is sitting in a studio thinking, you knowwhat this song needs? It could really use a whistle, that'll really make the music shine. Christ that's irritating…

As if dancing, singing, and well written music wasn't enough, there's a show of a piece of bling reading, you guessed it, "upgrade", in HER TEETH. Like the upgrade is so good she wants to fucking eat it. Well,fuck, she can EAT IT.This commercial doesn't make me want to upgrade my satellite service;it makes me want to find the VP of marketing for direcTV and cram his ass full of flesh eating centipedes.

Please her in the Bedroom!

2007-11-18T12:24:00.000-08:00

Vince:

From: Special Edition Watches
Subject: Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona
From: Please her in the bedroom!
Subject: Vampire Drum Onion Leather Jacker Car-Race

Whose job is it to sit around and dream up spam e-mail subject lines? I know, as a business, they have to think of ways to bypass spam filters, but are they just dropping acid and drawing words out of a god damn hat? If you recieved an e-mail with either of those subjects, what the hell would ever make you want to open them? I mean, BESIDES the sick deals on the “little blue pill”, and of course, who wouldn’t want to “beat her womb with their giant” (another great spam e-mail subject line)? Does anyone actually buy products from these e-mails? “Yeah I’d really like to fix my ED and enlarge my size…and I’m not gonna go to the doctor, but I’ll sure as hell check my e-mail for deals!” You’d seriously have to have fucking down syndrome to buy something from those links. Hell, you’d have to about as smart as Corky from Life Goes on to even CLICK those links.

And since when are watches such a hot commodity, and why the fuck do I need authentic replicas? I can just imagine some psychotic spam marketer behind all those fucking e-mails laughing hysterically while trying to sell a warehouse full of shitty watches he somehow ended up with. Leave me the hell alone - I don’t wear a god damn watch!

Speaking of spam filters, mine just filters e-mails I actually DO need. So not only do I have to check my inbox, I have to dig through the garbage in my spam box to find important e-mails. Spam filters effectively double the amount of work I have to do. What a joke.

Should I really get that upset about this? I don’t care, pass the Jager.

Ice Cream of the Future

2007-11-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

Guest Writer
Blaze:

For the past 20 years Dippin' Dots has claimed to be the ice cream of the future. 20 years ago that shit was okay. But just admit it...it is just fucking Ice Cream now. fuck

All New Dodge Family Room

2007-11-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

Bubb:

Do you need to be entertained every fucking minute? Sick of spending quality time with your family? Hate having to do things that waste your time while driving, like paying attention to the road? Well fear not, thanks to the geniuses at Dodge you can take care of all of those at once. The new Caravan has like 9 TV screens, a table, and if my eyes serve me right, a self serve potato bar.

What the fuck is so hard about driving 20 minutes to drop little Timmy off with out having to entertain his ass. When i was a kid I sat in the car and was quiet, you look at the shit out the window. Now kids are playing X-Box, watching movies, and eating sandwiches that were made in the kitchen in the back of the car, and not watching what is going on so when that 18-wheeler crosses the median they aren't prepared to get their skulls crushed in...but at least we can rest easy that in their final moments they were able to watch Shrek 3.

Long Hangover Lesson

2007-11-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

Blaze:

I wrote this little number this summer in D.C. Thought you might enjoy it. It's a little long, but I know you aren't doing jack shit anyway.

Yesterday I was sitting at my computer procrastinating on some of the work I have to prepare before the school year. Since I am already behind, I did the obvious; I made a hangover rating scale.

Stage 1: This hangover usually occurs after having between 3 and 5 beers and is often a direct result of minimal sleep. After waking, minor head pain similar to the feeling of a Danny Tanner right hook and dry mouth set in. Brief regret exists for going to bed 4 hours ago but is forgotten within the next 2 hours after realizing that domestic bottles are half off at (insert bar name here) on (insert day here).

Stage 2: This hangover generally follows a night of moderate to heavy consumption. Adequate sleep allows the body to properly process alcohol and rid the body of said toxins before awakening. Head pain and stomach issues may be present in the weak-minded. Consumption of water, greasy food, and brief physical activity can eliminate this hangover by lunch time. Bodily functions are not severely disrupted and the cognitive thought processes of a Stage 2 recipient are generally restored by dinner time. As long as the sufferer showers, this hangover may even go undetected by bosses, nosy coworkers, or children looking to tell you that you “smell like daddy.”

Stage 3: This hangover is a little more stubborn and often requires a disciplined regimen of fresh air, hydrating fluids, and excessive caloric intake throughout the day. Stage 3 hangovers often follow nights of drinking that would be considered by some to include excessive shots, and any one of the following; beer bongs, keg stands, or essential peer pressure to ante up. Recipients show minor to moderate regret for drinking as much as they did depending on the prior evenings one to five “fun scale” rating (one being moderate laughs and minimal awkwardness and five being police involvement and a story including a Turkish snow cone given by an old man that works for cash tips).

Stage 4: This hangover often coincides with such statements as “what happened last night?” “where are my pants?” why is there a squirrel on the couch eating Doritos?” and “where are we?” Such statements usually receive a retort along the following lines… “You were really drunk last night,” “the cops said they never saw anyone that enraged,” or if the respondent is a parent, “you shouldn’t drink so much.” The confused and feeble-minded hangover recipient cautiously obliges the respondent by agreeing to never drink again, or at least not for awhile. With stage 4 hangovers, this statement is generally honored for 1 to 4 days depending upon the promise’s relation to future events in time (i.e. village picnics, holidays, or Irish wakes).
Stage 4 sufferers often have trouble making basic movements and generally remind others of a mid-90s Courtney Love. Stage 4 sufferers can respond to basic questions with well thought out one word responses. If the Stage 4 sufferer is required to attend work, menial tasks such as turning computers on and attending smoking breaks can usually be completed with less than half of the office knowing that the sufferer is still totally wasted. Driving is best avoided as objects such as stop signs, parked cars, and small children all closely resemble the Sun. Reaction time is equitable to that of a blind infant with Down syndrome and the sufferer can expect to smell like Ted Kennedy for at least 48 hours.

Stage 5: This hangover has only been experienced by a privileged few. Only those that have undergone the painful effects of this hangover truly understand its colossal staying power and ever-present misery. Stage 5 hangovers often follow in-deliberate and abrupt pass-outs where things like water, food, and voluntary bathroom visits could have prevented embarrassingly painful awakenings in the morning.
Loss of bodily function often precedes the Stage 5 hangover; which only adds insult to the random drunken injury. Although not a requirement, many a time has the Stage 5er awakened to find himself marinating in his own urine (generally in the clothes he was wearing from the night before).
Like a wet blanket in a storm, food and beverage can actually worsen the feeble condition of this poor bastard.
Stage 5 hangovers are generally followed by extremely wicked changes in bodily functions. If the Stage 5er can muster the strength to make it to the bathroom, deposits will generally resemble a completed paint-by-numbers portrait carefully handcrafted by a Golden Retriever. Since the Stage 5er is so dehydrated, urination should be expected sometime in the next two to three weeks.
In the Stage 5 hangover, the brain is so battered from excessive alcohol consumption, such phrases as “are you okay?” cannot be deciphered in less than 5 minutes and responses are limited to caveman-like grunts. Nods are out of the question as any head movement can result in painful spastic contortions and further brain damage. Saturday morning television or reruns of Friends are often too complex for this sufferer and light of any sort resembles a visual of Gilbert Godfrey’s voice in real time. Stage 5ers are often best left alone as even Mother Theresa would annoy the shit out of the sufferer to the point of tears (if he was hydrated enough to produce them). Stage 5ers are way too incapacitated to even think about performing sexually and very few people would even think of rousing a Stage 5er for coitus as their sheer odor and physical appearance bear great resemblance to that of a sedated camel.
Depending upon the events of the previous evening, the Stage 5er might commit to extended periods of abstinence from alcohol in writing (as spoken word is incomprehensible). The sufferer will most likely develop an aversion to a certain kind of liquor or mixed drink (but not beer) as there is not enough domestic beer in the United States to create a Stage 5 without the cooperation of hard alcohol. Said aversions can last anywhere from weeks to a lifetime depending upon the activities committed the night prior. Certain events often push bystanders and concerned friends and family to also ban certain concoctions from the sufferer. Violent fits of rage, embarrassing confessions, and vehicular accidents can force the Stage 5er to negate his right to future consumption as a form of diplomatic sanction placed on him by outside parties. The Stage 5 hangover can last anywhere from 12 hours to 2 or 3 days in real time, but to the sufferer, it feels as if its symptoms last slightly longer than the Carter Administration did.